Blogger: Wendy Lawton
As I looked around the Monterey Plaza ballroom and watched our Books & Such clients at our client retreat talking and networking, I found myself realizing that one thing almost all our clients share is a sense of what is appropriate. They are appropriate in person and appropriate online. I love that about them.
It made me realize that is one thing I look for in clients. An important trait. I want clients who have healthy filters– who know what to say and what not to say. Who know when to say it and when to stay silent. Who know where to say things and where to keep their thoughts to themselves. So what do I mean by that?
A few weeks ago I posted a quick little status on Facebook that read:
Guess what? You can’t win if you discuss politics on Facebook. No matter how passionately you feel about an upcoming election it is potentially damaging to open the subject in your news feed because (a) half your “friends” will be irritated with you, (b) they may post incendiary comments taking your feed to a full fledged flame war, (c) those who agree with you will stand up for you and challenge those who commented negatively, pouring fuel on the fire, and (d) you will change no one’s mind.
If you are an author, as many of my FB friends are, you can’t afford to tick off half your potential readership. We can all name authors we cringe to read because they’ve become so political.
No one could disagree with that, right? Wrong! You can’t believe how many of the 85 comments said something like this: “And if satan takes over the World, we will still have our readership numbers?” Yikes!
All that to say I appreciate my clients who understand that there are good places to discuss politics and appropriate places to try to change minds and there are places where it is just plain futile. I love a rousing political discussion as much as anyone but not with a few thousand people listening in.
So what do I mean by having appropriate filters?
- A writer who is wildly political would not be my cup of tea unless that was his brand and that mirrored the book he was writing.
- I also appreciate writers who respond appropriately to the place they are responding. Sharing cringeworthy personal details on Facebook is rarely appropriate.
- I’m especially drawn to the encouragers. I see them all over social media and I begin to watch for their comments.
- We also begin to recognize the trolls, don’t we?
- I look for professionalism. Writers who share too much about their publishers or contract issues make me wary.
- Those who constantly gripe about the industry look like they would be a handful. And who wants to represent an Eeyore?
I could go on and on but let me address the flip side. I ‘m guessing you’d want a literary agent with appropriate filters as well. As you spent time following agents doesn’t it make you cringe when one comes out with a political diatribe. An agent can tick off publishers with inappropriate comments just as easily as writers can turn off a potential agent. So here’s my list of things that would indicate a literary agent with inappropriate filters:
- Talking about a client’s problem without his or her permission.
- Talking about one publisher to another publisher. (Everything we know about publishers is proprietary information– we cannot share it.)
- Taking an industry player to task online. (We may be agents but we are still bound by biblical standards and there is an appropriate way to deal with a problem.)
- Criticizing another agent. (Again, biblical standards.)
- Talking about personal issues online. (An agent is a professional. We need to separate our personal and share it only with trusted friends. We reflect our clients.)
So, the floor is open. Am I too calculating? Everyone values transparency these days and I’m recommending the opposite. What makes you cringe? (And be appropriate. 🙂 Don’t mention names or specifics.)
I used to tell my kids, “Don’t post anything you wouldn’t want to see attached to your name in tomorrow’s newspaper headlines.” But now that newspapers are almost extinct, I’ve changed it to “Don’t post anything you wouldn’t shout in a crowded hallway.”
*I’ve concluded that the best social media advice comes from the Apostle Paul: “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–[post] about such things” (Philippians 4:8).
Great filter,Shirlee. It’s the one I try to use. But if we are dealing with folks who don’t share our Christian world view, we can expect conflict over the definition of what is noble, right, pure, and admirable. That’s perfectly fine as long as we remain loving in how we respond to the conflict. How we respond can soften a heart to be more open to the gospel, and that’s much more important than not offending a potential reader.
My mom had the old version of that: “Never write something you wouldn’t want to see pinned to the bulletin board.”
Yep. Paul. I call it the whatsoever principle.
Hi Wendy,
We spent years in the presence of a man who had no filter because of sports. At least we thought he had not filter until a graduation party. We sat at the same table as him and a young married couple. He was polite and never said a rude thing. Which led me to conclude, he chose not to filter his comments around me. I’d heard a lot of crass comments from him over the years, and I would’ve appreciated a filter many times.
As far as online filters, I think we need to be careful how transparent we are. I recently made an announcement on FB about moving. A lady asked if I’d told my parents. Can you imagine?
As an inspirational author, I want my words to honor God and that includes social media.
Thanks for sharing!
I know. It’s a fine line we walk. Sometimes I feel guilty about creating a Facebook persona that bears little resemblance to nitty-gritty life, but nobody wants to hear me complain about aches and pains and bills to pay, right? We all have those.
Transparency can be a beautiful, uplifting quality . . . in the right places. I don’t share specific struggles I may be having with loved ones in my life, even though God is using said struggles to draw me closer to Him. My transparency at another’s expense or shame is not a beautiful thing. Especially not to the loved one.
*When we can be transparent about things in a way that encourages others? Maybe through a lesson learned or an experience that reveals God’s presence in the situation, some of those things might be okay to share.
*If I am going to share something online, I want it to be something that will encourage others, or make them smile, and sometimes make them think.
*What we share online is a reflection on us as people. What do we want to reflect?
Transparency in the right places … yes.
Exactly! Sometimes I see a post that is personal and specific– posted to say something to one person that the poster neglected to address in person. You know the ones: “I hate it when my neighbor borrows the lawnmower and returns it filled with grass and chunks of weeds.” Why not just say something gently, in love, to the neighbor?
The older I get, the quieter I get. I have learned I do not need to share everything or let my passion be blurted out for all to hear. God can and will speak through me in gentleness, too. I do still share stories others might not or share my deeply held convictions, but I weigh when and to whom I am sharing.
“The older I get, the quieter I get” … yes. God uses our gentleness … yes. 🙂 Love your insight.
Reminds me of something I heard a long time ago –
A wise owl sat in an oak.
The more he saw the less he spoke.
The less he spoke the more he heard;
would we could be like that wise old bird!
I want to memorize that, Andrew!
Great advice, Joyce.
If I talked politics, I’d offend half my family. Because it’s divided just like our country. Great representation. When voices start climbing or words start flying, I’m like ol’ Fred Sanford with a hand over my heart … “This is the big one, Elizabeth.” 🙂 Or the dog that runs under the bed.
Shelli, I agree. Talking politics is like teaching a horse to waltz. It’s frustrating for the horse, and doesn’t do the ballroom floor any good.
Great analogy, Andrew! I hope someone is collecting the Wit & Wisdom of Andrew Budek-Schmeisser.
Exactly 🙂
Great post, Wendy! And no, I don’t think you are calculating at all. The ‘let it all hang out’ culture of the 60s (whose effects we see now) is a ‘culture’ indeed…as is petri dish.
* One of the things I’ve learned of late is to ask myself “why am I considering saying this?” If the answer is that it might be of benefit to another, it’s worth saying. If it’s about me and my internal landscape alone, or a vehicle to generate either pity or admiration, it’s best to keep silent.
* There are things I would prefer not to share that really have to be mentioned in my blog, like the post upon which I am working for release tonight concerning prescription painkiller addiction when you’re not going to ever be free of the genuine need for the stuff. There’s no epiphany, no real spiritual payoff in either writing or reading this stuff, but it has to bedone to remain true to my readership.
* Along these lines, I recently began talking openly about how discouraged and sometimes depressed I’ve become. It’s certainly not that I want pity (though in my baser moments am tempted!) but I’ve seen a road through the gloom, and it’s composed of making good and kind decisions in each moment, in the faith that those moments matter. I want to share that tiny green stalk of hope in my own arid wilderness.
* Writing about all that makes me cringe, because I still want to be one of the Immortals, with steely eyes and a confident rebel’s grin.
* But then again, perhaps the willingness to look steely-eyed into the Great Ugly, and to grin, even ruefully, as defenses crumble means I’m really still the same, and forever young.
Apropos to this, I guess, is Barbara’s recent sharing of a video on Facebook about a young Aussie with cerebral palsy, a chap who’s handling his affliction with poise and humour (and who shared my first name).
* She said, and she’s right, that this is my lot every day as well, though from a different cause. She’s right; my movements are spastic, and speech is painful to produce and excruciating to the listener.
* At first I was mortified. But what she did was right and kind, and is not a put-down, but a testament to the hope my wife sees in me.
* This blessing came about precisely because she did not ask my permission; I would have said that I’d rather she not use it to describe my daily life. But this has been both a liberation and a heartfelt offering of love. Certainly it’s not carte blanche to use any way you choose to praise a loved one, but it did help me realize a bit more clearly that the mask I wore is indeed heavy and ill-fitted, made of iron and placed by my own hands.
“The ‘let it all hang out’ culture of the 60s (whose effects we see now) is a ‘culture’ indeed…as is petri dish.” Yes!
And the fact that you can share hard truths with the gift of humor is a rare talent.
There were things I DID like about the 60s…lava lamps, tie-dyes, and the Shelby “A” Cobra…but for the most part, the whole decade needed lye soap and a scrub-brush.
* Humour does indeed soften the hardest days, and the creation of a circle of laughter is the devil’s dread.
Wendy, thank you for addressing this! I agree with everything you said and I’m so glad you’ve put it into a blog post.
When I’m tempted to say/post/write something that seems edgy or controversial, I try to check in with the Spirit and see if it’s from Him or from me. My stuff usually isn’t much good and honestly, no one wants to see ALL my innards!
Checking with the Spirit … that’s my heart’s desire.
I saw your FB post, Wendy, and was shocked at the comments. As Cynthia Ruchti once observed, we live in an opinion-driven society. It is too easy to share those opinions with the world, and then we wonder why we are so divided. What particularly grieves me, though, is the pride that often accompanies those opinions. Polite debate is a rare thing. Does anyone agree to disagree anymore? I understand we are at a crucial moment, but slander won’t help any of us. I agree with you completely on the need for filters, and let’s add in some humility and respect as well.
You are chewing on the same thing I’ve been mulling over– where is honest, respectful debate. Why do we internalize our positions and see opposition to the ideas stated as an attack on us personally.
Do you notice how quickly each political discussion these days devolves into ad hominem attacks on the person discussing the issue?
It takes a great deal of personal command over one’s emotions to get through this political season. I wrote one brief FB paragraph last week asking my friends to think first before posting political commentary. Even that caused a negative reaction between two people. I cited the ‘love one another’ reason for treating others courteously. I’m glad your clients have appropriate filters and boundaries. What a gift.
It is a gift!
Excellently said! I wonder how many times I’ve cringed at facebook comments this year. There have been times when I’ve longed to whip out a reply at something I completely disagree with, but I tell myself, ‘think it over first, you can respond later.’ I’ve never gone back and answered them.
I know. People are unusually passionate these days. If we are to make a careful decision we need to keep emotions out of it for the most part.
That’s the struggle I have. Am I not saying something I believe is biblically true and needs to be said because I want to not lose money? To me, that’s not right!
But then I was in the position of hearing a favorite author take a side very, very opposite one I stood on. It was not a political side, per se, but a cultural side that put someone I loved in grave danger. And this person didn’t see anything wrong with what they were saying.
That really, really, really soured me on that author. I quit following them because all I saw when I came across their posts was their view that would harm someone I loved. I couldn’t get past it.
So it’s a very real thing, alienating readers. It can happen to your most diehard readers. But there still has to be a balance between speaking God’s truth in love and shutting up and letting lies be spread all for the sake of money. It’s a very fine tightrope and one’s that not fun at all. 🙁
“So it’s a very real thing, alienating readers.” I know and to what purpose? I keep coming back to our mission here. It’s so simple: 1. To love God, 2. To love others, 3. To love ourselves.
And that’s what makes this so hard, Wendy. Because that author truly thought that saying what she said WAS loving others. But to me it wasn’t. So… How do you know when?
Because sometimes what you know is true might not be!
I try to stay out of politics on Facebook. I’ve never published anything there about my kids, my marital status, or anything else personal. We live in a 1984 world (though the author was off on the timing and, thankfully, some things in that book haven’t happened.)
I need to reread 1984– it’s been so long.
How I love this post. I have opinions. I have very strong opinions that I think are valid and ought to be voiced. But to what end? Will I honestly change one person’s mind. Hardly likely. I’ll only succeed in alienating people I love and driving wedges between friends.
Jesus gave us the Great Commission, not the Great Campaign. He told us to go and make disciples, not to go and make voters. As a Christian writer, His mission for me (and it will be different for each writer) is to tell stories showing people struggling to live godly lives in difficult times, helping to build disciples through fictional example. Stating my political opinions would only interfere with my mission, so I abstain. I have tooth holes in my tongue, but I abstain.
“Jesus gave us the Great Commission, not the Great Campaign.” That’s a yard sign I could get behind!
Sarah, I love your disciples not voters phrase!
Most of the events of 1984 haven’t happened…yet. The technology is completely in place. What happens when we get a government with the desire to use it “for the good of society?” Will Christian publishing survive the censorship?
*How often have you heard people say “I support the US Constitution” and then proceed to describe how they would restrict the rights it guarantees? How many restrictions have already crept in while many of us weren’t paying attention? How many of us work under company policies that use federal regulations as the reason for telling us we can argue with a coworker about which football team is best but we can’t talk about Jesus?
*To stay free, people must have the right to share ideas that others disagree with. Can a university professor without tenure question a politically correct position and expect to keep her/his job? Can a public-school teacher safely speak the name of Jesus even in the hallway or the teachers’ lounge? Can they even allow a student to see them praying after hours and away from school property?
*I’m reminded of Peter and John before the Sanhedrin, when they were ordered to teach no more in Jesus’s name. Their reply: “Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God’s sight to obey you rather than God.” Sometime, if we’re going to be faithful, we’re going to have to say things others won’t like. We just need to make sure it’s in line with what God wants us to say and not our own personal opinion. And, of course, everything must always be spoken or written in love, not anger.
*Arguing someone to silence doesn’t mean arguing them to agreement, but speaking/writing truth in love and then living like Jesus taught can begin to change their minds. Isn’t softening and opening hearts toward Jesus the biggest reason why many of us write?
Carol, you’re so right. At the end of my teaching career in 2011, I saw some of the hate dished out onto anyone who professed a Christian faith.
* I agree that we should speak in love, but only up to a point. The ‘social justice warriors’ who would make any display of belief a crime are our sworn enemies, and we need not show them quarter. Call them out for the evil they are. An eye for an eye might make the world blind, but I’ve got Gen 3 night optics, and the darkness is my friend.
* I always figure that WWJD includes breaking up furniture and chasing people around with a whip.
After my husband left, I learned to be extremely careful about how much personal information I put out there. I didn’t blog for a year because there was so much that I couldn’t share or didn’t want the world to know about. During that time, God taught me the beauty of discretion. I still remember how relieved I felt when a friend said, “I would never know from your Facebook posts how difficult your life is right now.” That’s exactly how I wanted it! Everyone who knew me understood that something life-changing was going on, and some knew more than others, but I didn’t want to open myself or my kids up to more pain than we were already in. I also didn’t want to appear to be drawing attention to our sad situation. I’m so glad I limited what and when I shared! As it was people occasionally said weird things and revealed details that I’d hoped to keep private, but at least I was able to keep that to a minimum.
This taught me that discretion protects US!
I write with transparency, but recently I recognized that that transparency comes after a time of being selective about who I open up to. And I am becoming more and more selective all the time.
Thank you for this topic Wendy, and for the reminder that we all need a filter in one area or another.
Recently I was in the parking lot of a major retail chain, and an adult male made a loud, crude comment about parking to his partner. She calmly said, “Try that again.” Whereupon he politely repeated himself in appropriate language.
I really wanted to hug that woman. If only everyone had someone who would make them pay more attention to what comes out of their mouths.
You are right on, Wendy. People are so rigid these days, only their opinion is right and if anyone dares to question or differ with them, heaven forbid! You are not calculating, just using your common sense, which our America needs a lot more of. Authors and agents are actually in the same boat as you point out. The responsibilities play on both sides. Thank you for writing about it. Excellent.
Over the years I’ve come to appreciate the simple prayer, “Lord, keep your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth.”
Wise advice, Wendy. I’ve seen some writings by industry professionals on social media and blogs that have made me cringe, too. Thanks for venturing to write a post on this potentially controversial topic.
Thanks for this post, Wendy. The political posts on Facebook make me cringe. Out in West Texas, we say that it’s not good manners to talk about religion or politics with company. Facebook is a lot like having ‘company’ invited over for dinner.
I saw a meme the other day on Facebook that I wish I could attach here. It says something like, “‘Your relentless political Facebook posts finally turned me around to your way of thinking,’ said nobody, ever.”
I didn’t share it (I already have a similar filter to the one you’re advocating for here), but I had a good laugh over that. 🙂