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More Things Not to Say to an Agent

April 17, 2017 //  by Wendy Lawton//  63 Comments

Blogger: Wendy Lawton

Plenty of blogs tell you how to approach an agent, what to say and how to say it. A couple of years ago I chose ten things not to say to an agent and you shared with readers why these things make an agent cringe. In today’s blog I’m going to highlight another ten things not to say when seeking to impress an agent.

 

  1. I’d really like to write for the general market but I figured the Christian book market would be a good place to get my feet wet.
  2. Writing comes completely natural to me. I’ve never taken a class or attended a single workshop.
  3. I’ve written a fiction novel.
  4. My novel is actually my own life story. I haven’t changed a single incident or experience. I have changed the names but everyone who knows my story will immediately recognize the characters.
  5. My book is short by design. I’ve read that people are reading less and less these days so at 8,000 words I think it will be perfect.
  6. You’re going to love this. . .
  7. I’ve written a children’s picture book. My fourteen-year-old daughter illustrated it. She’s such a talented artist.
  8. My book, Breaking the Generational Curse of Mental Illness, charts new territory. Professional credentials? No, but we all know that real understanding comes from a combination of wisdom and experience.
  9. The best thing about my book is that it will not need to be edited. I’ve gone over it three times and it is flawless.
  10. I call it a memoir but I’ve enhanced all the events and changed several things here and there to make it more interesting.

 

Yes. Agents have heard all of the above and numerous variations of them over the years. Rather than offering these What-Not-to-Say comments and explaining why they illustrate potential problems to an agent, I’m once again letting you do the work. Pick one or two (or more) and explain to our readers why they should never ever say them.

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Category: Agents, Authors, Blog, Business of writing, Finding an AgentTag: acquiring an agent, agent pitching, things to avoid saying

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  1. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    April 17, 2017 at 11:06 pm

    Might these be included?
    * I’ve looked you up and found that our Zodiacal signs are complimentary. This relationship is cosmic fate, and can’t be denied.
    * The Blessed Mother came to me in a vision, and told me that I MUST seek you out, and I must NOT take no for an answer.
    * I experienced these in trying to vet grad students to work on projects. Seriously. I ended up carrying a cosh.

    Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 3:49 pm

      Yes, those could be safely added to the list.

      Reply
  2. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    April 17, 2017 at 11:25 pm

    Pursuant to #10; perhaps the exception that proves the rule…
    * In the 1970s Edwards Park wrote “Nanette”, a ‘memoir’ of his service as a fighter pilot in the Southwest Pacific during WW2. He called it “an exaggeration”, and admitted to changing details for dramatic effect, but he captured the essence of flight, and of life on the edge of death.
    * Twenty years later Park write “Angels Twenty”, a straight memoir. It’s equally engaging – he was a very good writer, and was emp[oyed by ‘Smithsonian’ magazine – but lacks the narrative snap of ‘Nanette’, as, perhaps, all true memoirs must.
    * I read ‘Nanette’ first, and Park’s fidelity to the basic truths – thought not the details – of his experiences stayed with me, and changed my life. I could accept exaggerations, and I was quite able to see, in his words, the raw veracity of our shared humanity.

    Reply
    • Shirlee Abbott

      April 18, 2017 at 2:15 am

      It’s not a memoir, it’s an exaggeration. Wouldn’t that be a fun assignment for a creative writing class?

      Reply
      • Shelli Littleton

        April 18, 2017 at 9:04 am

        I once heard that every good story deserves embellishment. Ha ha!

    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 3:53 pm

      And all I can think of is _A Million Little Pieces._

      Reply
  3. Shirlee Abbott

    April 18, 2017 at 2:12 am

    Flawless? Needs no editing? Even the inspiration of the Holy Spirit needs a second set of eyes (I’d love to take my red pen to the Apostle Paul’s run-on sentences).

    Reply
    • Damon J. Gray

      April 18, 2017 at 7:55 am

      LOL!! Yes, the opening of Romans 1 is great example of this.

      Reply
  4. Jeanne Takenaka

    April 18, 2017 at 5:38 am

    #1 might just be a weeeeee bit insulting. From what I’m observing is that the Christian market may be a little more difficult to “break into” than ABA because there aren’t as many “slots” for books with traditional publishers.
    *#5 seems to come from a lack of understanding about publishing and about readers. Again, making assumptions about the market will get a writer in trouble, every single time.
    *Can I admit I laughed at a couple of these and was left shaking my head at a couple other points?
    *Interesting post, Wendy!

    Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 3:57 pm

      #1 reminds me of the writers who want to start with children’s books because they are “easier.” It denigrates children’s books which may be the most taxing kind of writing next to poetry.

      #5 shows that the writer has done nothing to find out that each genre or category already has “expected” word count parameters.

      Reply
  5. Kristen Joy Wilks

    April 18, 2017 at 5:58 am

    I’ll take #2 and #3
    #2–When you just write when you feel like it in a rush of creative energy, it is wonderful. I used to write like this and only when I felt like this. But I was a beginner. Anyone who isn’t trying to improve themselves, who is still just writing only when the muse speaks, is probably a beginner who hasn’t learned craft, revision, or how to take a critique yet.
    #3–A novel is fiction, always. Saying a fiction novel is redundant and shows a lack of understanding of the lingo in the industry.
    A great list, Wendy. Thanks so much.

    Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 3:58 pm

      Right on both counts. “Fiction novel” is like fingernails on a chalkboard to editors and agents and novelists.

      Reply
      • Lori Benton

        April 21, 2017 at 5:46 am

        It it is is!

  6. Damon J. Gray

    April 18, 2017 at 7:49 am

    Oh, my … #8 – No editing, Flawless:
    For starters, this is astonishingly arrogant. Now that we have that as our baseline, a writer never, wait … no … NEVER proofreads his/her own work. I cannot do so, because I already know what it says, even if it doesn’t say that. It says what I think it says because I think that is what I wrote! Thus, for me to try to proofread a sentence is pointless because my mind will read what is not there. Even after going over my manuscript 10 times, and two edits, it is still no flawless. Such an assertion is asinine.

    Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 3:59 pm

      Right! We are looking for clients who understand that creating an outstanding book is a team effort and editing is part of that equation.

      Reply
  7. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    April 18, 2017 at 7:54 am

    Wendy, how about offering bribes? Chocolate? Increased percentage? Two weeks at my time-share in South Philly (gotta love the ambience, or else)?

    Reply
    • Damon J. Gray

      April 18, 2017 at 7:58 am

      Andrew, I actually heard a podcast that recommended bringing chocolate as a bribe to a “pitch session” with an agent. I thought that was a bit over-the-top, and that it came off as … maybe desperate? I’m not sure, but everything about it feels wrong to me. Above all be true to yourself.

      Reply
      • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

        April 18, 2017 at 8:06 am

        True to myself, Damon, I’d be bringing cigars and a six-pack.

      • Damon J. Gray

        April 18, 2017 at 8:24 am

        Freshly-rolled Cubans? 😉 Remember what your teacher said. Bring enough for everyone!
        I did campus ministry for many years at Kansas University. A lot of it involved evangelistic Bible studies in the dorms, and it is not unheard of for a student to come to a Bible study with a six-pack of Bud. You just roll with it and thank God that he is there at all!

      • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

        April 18, 2017 at 8:31 am

        Actually, I’ll bring Nicaraguans…a box of Drew Estate Acid Blondie Bellicosos. Best-smelling and tasting cigar around, and the bellicoso size makes for a mellow hour or so.
        * I recently heard Bobby Schuller reminiscing that when he started evangelizing in high school, the good kids wouldn’t give him the time of day. His first convert was a drug dealer.

      • Damon J. Gray

        April 18, 2017 at 11:15 am

        The people sitting IN darkness have seen a great light specifically because Jesus went TO those people rather than standing on the edge of the light in hopes that they would find him. Too often, we holy folks cringe at the thought of rubbing elbows with people who are not like us. That is the antithesis of the Jesus model.

      • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

        April 18, 2017 at 11:24 am

        Damon, that is so exactly right. C.S. Lewis said that we will be very surprised at whom we meet in Heaven…and perhaps even more surprised by the absence of those whom we would have expected.

    • Jennifer Zarifeh Major

      April 18, 2017 at 11:50 am

      I totally brought chocolate to a few pitch sessions. Serotonin is always welcome.

      Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 4:00 pm

      It depends on the agent and the bribe. 🙂 Some are just pure fun and demonstrate the writers sense of humor. Of course, woe to him if the agent has no sense of humor.

      Reply
  8. Shelli Littleton

    April 18, 2017 at 9:01 am

    “I’ve gone over it three times.” No. And no. I promise you it is still a disaster. Try somewhere around 100 times. And then it still needs help … it will still evolve. Ideas will still come to you on and off. And it still needs professional help. But maybe that’s just me. 🙂 On the flip side … and though I totally agree with your statement, Wendy, I might should be embarrassed to say that my daughter did illustrate my first fiction work, middle grade … she did it for me … just to help me … and it was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. She did computer art, and it was like something a little kid would do because it’s really hard to keep a steady hand on the computer … anyway it was darling to me. She thought she did a terrible job, but I told her that’s what made it so sweet. And it’s something like what you’d see in kids’ books. But … I always knew if someone liked it, the art work would be changed. But again, it really helped me get my head in the game. It’s still on my computer, right where it’ll probably always stay. But wow, what a learning tool that project was for me. I bet my future grandkids, Lord willing, will hear it a thousand times. 🙂

    Reply
    • Jennifer Zarifeh Major

      April 18, 2017 at 1:33 pm

      You need to print it off and, save it somewhere else, just in case.
      I want to see this artwork!!

      Reply
      • Shelli Littleton

        April 18, 2017 at 6:48 pm

        I’ll show you 🙂

    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 4:04 pm

      It’s definitely a treasure, Shelli. The reason we don’t have anyone– even a professional illustrator– illustrate our manuscript is that those two elements, manuscript and illustration, are purchased separately. Offered together as a package you have twice the chance of being rejected– don’t like the writing or don’t like the illustrations.

      Reply
      • Shelli Littleton

        April 18, 2017 at 6:53 pm

        I sure understand that. I think of all the advice you give regarding Debbie Macomber and homeschooling when I think of that season of my life. My daughter was helping me edit my work … and it really improved her grammar skills. I never have to edit her work. 🙂 And the drawing, or my love of it, really encouraged her and gave her more confidence. She loves to draw.

  9. Lori

    April 18, 2017 at 9:20 am

    Number 4, can you say potential lawsuit from those characters who everyone recognizes?

    Reply
    • Jennifer Zarifeh Major

      April 18, 2017 at 12:48 pm

      My mom MADE me change the name of a rather unpleasant character because apparently using my evil grandmother’s name was frowned upon.
      Also, I named a BAD guy after a man who broke my heart. That he died a grisly (like, naaaaaaaasty) death was mere coincidence.
      I should ask my agent if we can block the book’s release in South Dakota.

      Reply
      • Lori

        April 18, 2017 at 2:54 pm

        Good for your mother, Jennifer.

    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 4:04 pm

      Bingo, Lori! Exactly.

      Reply
  10. Jerusha Agen

    April 18, 2017 at 9:55 am

    LOL! Seems to me these “no’s” are pretty self-explanatory–and hilarious! 🙂 Thanks for sharing these, Wendy.

    Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 4:05 pm

      You’d be surprised how counter-intuitive these are to some writers, Jerusha.

      Reply
  11. Bill Giovannetti

    April 18, 2017 at 9:56 am

    Things not to say:
    “I’m a pastor and I’ve made my sermons into a book.”
    “God gave me this book.”
    “God told me to give this to you.”
    “This book is unlike any other book on the market today.”
    “It’s the next Shack.”

    Reply
    • Jerusha Agen

      April 18, 2017 at 9:56 am

      Classics! 🙂 lol

      Reply
    • Jennifer Zarifeh Major

      April 18, 2017 at 12:43 pm

      Ahhh, the “unlike any other book on the market today” thing.
      Those are usually written by people who show up to jury duty dressed like Princess Leia, and who say “I swear that I didn’t know he was my brother when I kissed him!”

      Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 4:06 pm

      Add this to the list, Bill.

      Reply
  12. Wendy L Macdonald

    April 18, 2017 at 9:56 am

    Wendy, thank you for continuing to teach us. I’m choosing #10 because memoir is one of my favorite genres to read and write in. It’s critical for writers to remember memoir is nonfiction. Any changes to protect identities should be mentioned in the introduction. Nothing is more disappointing and damaging to a publishing team (and author) than the readers finding out a supposedly true story is false.
    True life tends to be stranger than fiction. Readers need to know they can trust the story. Without trust, the title, the career, the tower—tumbles.
    Blessings ~ Wendy Mac

    Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 4:07 pm

      So true, Wendy Mac!

      Reply
  13. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    April 18, 2017 at 10:20 am

    Wendy, my latest book is sick, and you’ll go max facepalm if you miss it! With its #trending use of emojis, stickers, and apostate-friendly symbology, it’s destined to be every hipster’s ironic beard, and will bring an end to literacy as we know it!

    Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 4:08 pm

      Hopefully you are sending this query to a 23-year-old assistant agent or else you’ll need to include a translation.

      Reply
  14. Linda Summerford

    April 18, 2017 at 10:38 am

    Those are good to know. Can you share things TO ask the agent? These are most helpful. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 4:10 pm

      I can do that. If I remember when next week rolls around. . .

      Reply
  15. Jennifer Zarifeh Major

    April 18, 2017 at 12:19 pm

    #9- NO. Just no. You are CLUELESS, Miss Flawless!! The ONLY thing that is flawless is a Dairy Milk chocolate bar, anything else needs work.
    #5-A made-up fiction novel? How splendid.

    Reply
    • Jennifer Zarifeh Major

      April 18, 2017 at 12:32 pm

      And I freely admit I’ve said both #5 and #9 outloud on many occasions, but not for several years.

      Reply
      • Shelli Littleton

        April 18, 2017 at 1:28 pm

        Ha ha! You know we all have. 🙂 I love how you keep it real.

      • Wendy Lawton

        April 18, 2017 at 4:12 pm

        Confession is good for the soul, Jennifer.

  16. Damon J. Gray

    April 18, 2017 at 12:33 pm

    NOTE to the group:
    You people are funny. I love a good sense of humor!

    Reply
  17. Janet Ann Collins

    April 18, 2017 at 12:53 pm

    These remind me of seeing people try to pass manuscripts to editors and agents under the doors of toilet stalls. It’s hard to believe there are still people so ignorant about the publishing industry when all they have to do is look on the internet to find out what’s okay.

    Reply
    • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

      April 18, 2017 at 1:00 pm

      I dunno, Jan. Sounds like a fitting way to pass an espionage story.
      * And it opens up new definitions for an agent’s ‘pass’ on the work.
      * Think I’ll quit whist I am ahead.

      Reply
      • Janet Ann Collins

        April 18, 2017 at 1:14 pm

        Ha Ha!

    • Carol Ashby

      April 18, 2017 at 1:16 pm

      You’ve actually seen that, Janet? I always thought that was a joke!
      Passing a manuscript? Where’s the percentage in that?
      Now maybe if it’s a PDF loaded on a Kindle Fire they get to keep, that might be worthwhile.

      Reply
      • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

        April 18, 2017 at 1:20 pm

        Yeah, but PLEEEUZE pass the disinfectant, too.

      • Janet Ann Collins

        April 18, 2017 at 1:35 pm

        I thought it was a joke too, until I actually saw it happen at the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference. That was quite a few years ago, so I hope nobody would do it anymore.

      • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

        April 18, 2017 at 1:39 pm

        Hope springs eternal, Jan, but you’ve sure inspired ME. \

    • Wendy Lawton

      April 18, 2017 at 4:14 pm

      Some of these though are not really ignorance (like fiction novel) they are just those quirky things we hate. So good to see you last week, Jan!

      Reply
      • Janet Ann Collins

        April 18, 2017 at 6:55 pm

        Thanks for letting me sit with you even though I had nothing to pitch.

  18. David Todd

    April 19, 2017 at 6:28 am

    So, from this post we have 10 things not to say. From the referenced post we have 10 other things not to say to an agent. That’s 20 things. Add in the suggestions in the comments here and there, I suspect we’re up to about 50.
    .
    Everything else is fair game, then?

    Reply
  19. Amy Collins

    April 20, 2017 at 1:34 pm

    Bwahahahahaaaaaaaa! Heard them all. Loved this.

    Reply
  20. Laura Davis

    May 13, 2017 at 2:20 pm

    As a book reviewer, I am sad to report that because the above statements were repeated to an agent, the “writers” decided to bypass agents and publishers altogether and submitted their books for review. You think you’ve seen it all? I once had an author submit a book to me that was completely unedited and in the foreword of the book the explanation given was this, “I wrote it as God directed me to, so it has not been edited.”

    Reply
    • Janet Ann Collins

      May 13, 2017 at 3:58 pm

      Judging by the similar stories I’ve heard, it seems like God has dictated a lot of books, but He must have used up all his writing talent with the Bible.
      I’m glad to know He’s not really like that.

      Reply

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