Blogger: Janet Kobobel Grant
I’ve been pondering an article I read recently entitled, What Children Can Teach Us About Risk, Failure, and Personal Growth.It brought to the fore an aspect about myself I like to keep tucked away: I’m enslaved to fear of failure. And I want to stay that way.
Risky behavior is uncomfortable–no, it’s discomforting. I’d rather live with the devil I know than face a new devil.
But, as the aforementioned article aptly points out, I’m taking a risk whether I’m settling for fear of failure or expanding my boundaries: “If I limit myself to knowledge that I consider true beyond doubt, I minimize the risk of error but I maximize, at the same time, the risk of missing out on what may be the subtlest, most important and most rewarding things in life.”
Social science writer John W. Gardner explains why we’ve developed lives with solid boundaries we feel we dare not cross: “One of the reasons why mature people are apt to learn less than young people is that they are willing to risk less. Learning is a risky business, and they do not like failure. In infancy, when the child is learning at a truly phenomenal rate — a rate he will never again achieve — he is also experiencing a shattering number of failures. Watch him. See the innumerable things he tries and fails. And see how little the failures discourage him. With each year that passes he will be less blithe about failure. 
By adolescence the willingness of young people to risk failure has diminished greatly…By middle age most of us carry in our heads a tremendous catalogue of things we have no intention of trying again because we tried them once and failed — or tried them once and did less well than our self-esteem demanded.”
I don’t think it’s bad to have a list of things never to attempt again; that’s part of maturing. I, for example, feel no need to ever plunk myself, belly-down, onto a sled and plummet down a snowy hill. But other adventures might well benefit me by forcing me outside of routines and restrictions I’ve placed on myself.
“We pay a heavy price for our fear of failure,” Gardner admonishes us. “It is a powerful obstacle to growth. It assures the progressive narrowing of the personality and prevents exploration and experimentation. There is no learning without some difficulty and fumbling. If you want to keep on learning, you must keep on risking failure — all your life. It’s as simple as that.”
Writers live with fear of failure every day:
–A blank screen with a blinking cursor
–A new book release that might not find its audience
–A proposal sitting on an editor’s desk
–A query sent off to an agent
–A royalty statement that spells out your publishing future
Yet, even writers need to explore new frontiers, for the list above is what you already face. New risks await!
As a writer, what would you do, if you weren’t afraid?
TWEETABLES
How fear holds us back. Click to tweet.
What would you do, if you weren’t afraid? Click to tweet.
NOTE
I won’t be able to participate in the conversation today because I’ll be taking some risks. I’m off on an adventure with Michelle during which I won’t have access to the Internet (will I survive?), I’ll be in a foreign country, and I’m not supposed to think about work. I’d rather speed down that snowy hill on a sled. Wish me luck!
This is a great question, Janet! As a writer, I would continue to follow my heart and my passion, without letting the “What if?” message distract my focus of getting words on the screen.
Ride horses again.
But I’d have to be VERY VERY NOT afraid.
And yes, I meant that ‘as a writer’.
If I could master horsemanship, I’d have conquered my greatest fear, which is getting killed. everythign else would pale.
To every man upon this earth
death cometh soon or late.
But how can a man die better
than on the equine seated,
a vision of Stonewall’s cavalry,
which never once retreated?
Jennifer, try therapeutic horseback riding for starters with a PATH certified instructor. That’s how I got back in the saddle after a car accident and a lifetime of riding before that. The animals are gentle and your job is to relax and just feel the horse move beneath you, while you have two side walkers next to you holding on to you and someone leading the horse. Very safe. Very neat way to learn to “let go” again.
Maybe that will free you up to write!
I understand that, Jennifer. My husband’s cousin has horses, she always competed in barrel races. She was out riding one day … a kid on a bicycle spooked her horse … it threw her into a cedar tree. Her neighbor found her and carried her home … long recovery. She still rides … it took her a while to do that … but she doesn’t compete anymore.
Ahhhhhhhhoooooowwwwwwwch!!!
Barrel races.
Sometimes I miss the point. And sometimes I miss the boat. This one, I’ll never be allowed to forget.
Last year there was a sign in town advertising a rodeo with “Bikini Barrel Races!”
I asked my wife, “Who wants to see a horse in a bikini?”
Ah, ha, ha, ha!! LOL, Andrew! Love your humor! 🙂 I won’t forget that any time soon.
Jennifer,
Even though I’ve been riding for–longer than you’ve been alive–I do understand your fear. And pointing out that horseback riding is statistically safer than riding in a car isn’t going to make you any less afraid.
If you seriously want to ride without fear, you should look for a professional instructor who has a background in helping adults overcome a fear of riding. They are out there, partly because of the fact that people do get hurt when horseback riding–even professional equestrians. A knowledgeable instructor combined with a well-trained lesson horse could help you make yet another goal you thought you’d never reach.
I hope you’ll try. 🙂
Good for you, Janet, stepping out and going into another country! I hope your experience is wonderful and that you have a sense of overcoming once you return home!
One of my boys is fearful of failure. I’m working to help him try new things and to understand that failure is how we learn.
Now as for me as a writer…..I’m working toward what I would do if I wasn’t afraid: completing my book to the point it’s ready to query. 🙂 I’ve not brought a book to that point yet, but this is the one where I will. 🙂
Go for it, Jeanne! Complete this one and send it out. It will be great, I’m sure. 🙂
Cheering for you as you get closer to that milestone, Jeanne!
Cheering for you, too, Jeanne! I think I just finished my last edit of this middle grade. Did you know it is possible to bruise your eyes?! 🙂
I’m no writer, but I would say this – that failure is the norm, and success the exception.
Certainly, failure can shake confidence, and can beget thoughts of quitting…and sometimes it really IS time to quit.
But to fear failure?
It would be like being afraid to get up in the morning.
Andrew, so true. In that polishing your craft mode … we write … we fail … we write … we fail … it truly is the norm, for many. That’s why the success, if it ever comes, is so sweet. 🙂
What do you mean you’re no writer, Andrew? Aren’t you being a bit harsh on yourself?
But you, Shellie, and Janet are right. Writers face potential failure all the time. I’d like to rephrase the process though. Instead of we fail and we fail and we fail until we (hopefully) succeed, I think we TRY and learn and try and learn and try again until we finally get it right (as long as we learn from our mistakes).
Absolutely, Christine … much better said … we try, and we try, and we try!
Harsh, perhaps, but my fear is not failure…it’s discovering that I’m putting on airs.
I don’t feel like a writer. I’ve been told that I have some ability, and I’ve written five book-length fiction manuscripts in the last six years, but it seems like a presumption upon the territory of my betters to identify myself with them.
Great perspective, Christine.
True words, Andrew. We fail many times before/if we succeed especially in the writing journey.
I believe we are writers, you included, Andrew. We write. We don’t judge our words, our efforts by the standard of others. We continue to write what’s on our hearts, work on improving our craft and give our best efforts to God, trusting He will carry out His plan for our words. Just a thought.
Amen, Jeanne.
Well, I’m not afraid to write. But if I weren’t afraid of the risks … my husband keeps talking about working on “MY OWN” office space … a private place to write. We have an office, but since we’ve moved here, I haven’t invested in it or decorated it. I keep it halfway clean, and that’s about it. I like to get in and get out. I still have my old desktop in there that needs to be removed so I can work in there with my new laptop. He mentioned boxing up the old computer and us dolling the room up … for me 🙂 (I’ve been working in the dining room since my laptop arrived). I flat out told him not to invest a dime in me until we saw promise for a future. He mentioned turning the shed into a writing cabin … but that would take much money. No way. Not on me. Not yet. I’d say that’s fear. Or frugal? 🙂
Same with money spent on ACFW conference, etc … it’s hard to invest that much money on “me” … I feel I would be taking away from the family.
I agree, Shellie, that investing the money it takes to go to a writer’s conference is difficult, especially if, like me, you don’t have much money. Agents and others who write articles on how to succeed in the writing business always say, “Attend conferences,” but that’s a dream for some of us.
That said, working in the dining room…how do you get enough peace and quiet to be able to write? Be kind to yourself, especially since your husband is so good and willing to fix up a space for you to write in. You don’t have to spend a fortune on it; just make the space workable. It won’t cost anything for your husband to box up the old computer so that you can use your laptop. You have started a small business and small businesses aren’t immediately profitable. You have to risk investing time and money in them first. I know you have an important message to share with the world. Give yourself the means to do it. Both you and those who will profit from the message deserve that.
Yes, we have got to get that computer boxed up!
Shelli, don’t be afraid to let your husband gift you with a writing space. He knows your budget, right? You start small, you accept the gift, and you walk worthy of the calling God has placed on you, in this case, to write. 🙂
Thank you, Jeanne! I’ll do that. 🙂
Janet, I hope that you and Michelle have a wonderful time in the internet-free land. I’m sure you will survive and be stronger for it. 😉
While the point Mr. Gardner makes about the risk / growth / learning connection is valid, fear itself has its value. It encourages us to stay out of dangerous situations. Oh! There’s a cliff. Let me see what happens if I jump off it.
The specific fear of failure, however, can be paralyzing. Having been raised as a super-responsible, over-achieving perfectionist, I have spent decades trying to be okay with failing (or even making mistakes, not doing as well as I’d hoped, and so on).
As a writer, I am facing one of my fear of failure moments right now. I’ve just started an MFA program in Creative Writing and will be sharing the first chapter of my WIP YA fantasy in class tonight. Of course I went back and polished it (again) before printing out copies for the class. I actually feel it’s pretty doggone good, but a not-so-little voice in my head keeps telling me that I’m going to read the chapter and the class is going to go, “This is really stupid. How could anyone write anything so inane!” Of course, they won’t say it in those words, but the fear of making a complete fool of myself tonight is definitely present in my mind. Then there’s the fear that whether or not I will succeed in writing a full-length novel that will be accepted at the end of the program as my thesis. Then there’s the fear that it will be too literary and won’t work in a commercial market. And the list goes on so I can’t let the fear of failure stop me or I’d have no hope of accomplishing my dreams.
Christine, I will be praying for you regarding tonight! 🙂
Thank you, Shelli. The prayers are much needed and appreciated.
You’re in my prayers for tonight, too.
The “oh, there’s a cliff!” comment brought to mind a scene from “Avatar”. in which the paralyzed ex-Marine is asked, “So you decided to come to the most hostile environment know to man, and see how it WENT?”
He replied, “I go tired of doctors telling what I couldn’t do.”
I think that is the key, that success lies on the other side of the breach we make in the wall that says, “You can’t do this”.
Making the breach may, however, be quite painful.
Thank you so much for the prayers, Andrew.
I hate to use the “no pain, no gain,” but it is sometimes true.
No pain, no gain is one of those aphorisms that have a nice ring as a sound bite…but usually only for an 18-year-old boy.
It’s really a willingness to do what’s needed to reach a goal, or sometimes to keep the status quo. If the necessary includes pain, so be it, but equating pain with progress forms a simplified premise which is false.
It’s like “No Fear”, which was so popular on T-shirts a decade or so ago. It’s a lovely slogan for the mall-walker, but any combat veteran will laugh at it. There’s always something that will terrify you, and there’s always something that can break you. The trick is to see them coming, and get out of the way.
And, if I may say this – I have read your comments here for quite a while, and my prayers for you will be prayers of expectation. You write coherently, intelligently, and with just enough of a hint of humor to keep a smile on my typically stern face.
I believe in you.
Thank you, Andrew, for the beautiful words of encouragement!
Many blessings. 🙂
I’m praying for you, Christine. It takes courage to step out and share your heart on paper with others. You’re overcoming your fear one word at a time. Remember Who you’re ultimately writing for. He’ll be smiling when you’ve read the last word tonight. 🙂
Thank you, Jeanne. Prayer always helps.
Your last sentence made me cry–in a good way. 🙂 I know God will be with me and that gives me the courage to share my heart.
You can do it, Christine!
Don’t forget that, most likely, every other student in your class will be quivering in their boots (or sandals) also.
Thank you, Jenni. It’s a good thought to keep in mind. 🙂
I would self-publish the children’s books I’ve written and make them available on my blog and on Amazon. But…I’m afraid of investing the time and then they’re a total flop. I’m also afraid of branding myself as a children’s book writer. I like writing for children, but that’s not my ultimate goal. So for now, I keep those books for my children, an audience that’s easy to please.
Enjoy your day in no-man’s-land, Janet! 🙂
Meghan, here is a thought – why not self-publish under a nom de plume? That will protect your eventual brand.
Also, if you’re wearing a mask, so to speak, it can be surprisingly easy to bolder than you might under normal circumstances.
Since my blog is primarily homeschooling-mother-themed, I’ve thought my blog readers might be interested. If I publish under a nom de plume, there goes name recognition. But it’s something to think about. Hmmm….
At first I thought, “I’m not really dealing with fear right now,” but I may be lying to myself. I have taken almost a year off from working on my book to give myself to other writing projects. I tell myself it’s because in this phase of my life, the other writing projects are what I’m meant to be doing. I think that deep inside, however, I’m afraid to get re-started on that book for some of the reasons already mentioned — fear that I’ll never complete a quality MS, fear that I’ll never find an agent or publisher, fear that I’ll make a fool of myself every time I try to pitch my idea…The writing I’m engulfed myself in over the past year has been safe with a faster return on my time invested.
Fear of typos in my MS… 🙂
It should be “I’ve” on that last sentence, not “I’m.”
One important practice for writers (and everyone else) is to intersperse the inevitable failures with controllable successes.
It’s not pandering, or a warm-fuzzy-fell-good thing. It’s a reassurance, through successfully doing something you know you’re good at, that your core value is intact.
Look at some of the activities people mention on this blog – Jennifer Major’s antique refinishing, Meghan Carver’s homeschooling…those are the things that can provide the nutrients to get one past the trek through life’s Empty Quarters.
The cost of not doing this can be high; what starts out as a series of setbacks in one area can become, through prophecy-fulfilling expectations, a cascade of simultaneous failures in different parts of life.
When this happens the benefits of even a “small positive” that might have forestalled disaster will pass unnoticed and unhelping.
I think it’s true that most adults don’t like to feel like beginners again, so they don’t try new things.
There have been a few times in my life where I’ve passed on doing something because I was sure I would fail anyway. I’ve looked back each time and regretted not taking the risk. Not trying at all is worse than trying and failing. Every athlete who finishes dead last has done more than the person who doesn’t bother attempting to make the team.
These days I don’t allow myself to quit anything without first giving it my very best effort. I’d rather be last than not even enter the race.
I’m not really afraid of failing. I’m afraid of not doing what God’s told me to do.
But I was raised in a very different way from most people, and it helped make me different from the masses. Doubt and insecurity are not things I struggle with on a regular basis. In any area of my life.
If I was afraid of failure, my book wouldn’t be releasing in four days. I’d have tucked it in a drawer and left it there because nobody wanted to take a chance on it.
Winnie had some success in this area: “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill.
Just thought I would share for the history fans!
Perfect.
If I wasn’t afraid, I would give more priority to nurturing relationships with future readers. I’d figure out how to be intentional and productive in that vein.
Don’t get me wrong, interacting with you all is a blessing. But it’s easier because you ‘get me’, and understand the ups and downs of the writing life.
I want to ‘get’ my reader. To better understand what they desire for life change, and for escape. If I do that, and apply what I learn to my stories, then I can invest in them and present them with a gift.
If I wasn’t afraid, I would boldly introduce a sub-genre of historical fiction to the CBA.
“Self-doubt can be an ally. This is because it serves as an indicator of aspiration. It reflects love, love of something we dream of doing. ”
The War of Art by Steven Pressfield
Jenni, we here get you, but partially because we’re readers, as well. You touch our hearts with your telling of aspects of your writing life precisely because we are readers, and you put us into your stories.
You can do this; just be yourself, and people will want to get to know you. They’ll want to know your heart, and see themselves, their hopes, their dreams, in your stories.
When you reach out, write what’s in your heart. You open that door, and readers will come in. It’s magic, yes.
But the magic is YOU.
And for the sub-genre of historical fiction – same thing. Write about what makes it important to you. Put the images that touch your heart on Pinterest, link websites that open those doors.
You can create the demand, and CBA will come a-callin’!
Your enthusiasm is catching, Andrew. Thank you for the encouragement.
“You can create the demand.” I need to remember this, because it’s very true. My Vintage Gothic Romance board on Pinterest does have an active following. It’s a unique, fun way to connect.
Thank you, Janet. A much needed reminder. The timing of this post is God’s. Hope you’re enjoying your risky adventure. 🙂
The weird thing about persevering as a writer, sometimes you keep going longer than the people who are rooting for you. I’ve noticed that people will be really excited if you grudgingly admit that you are an unpublished writer, and the ask you about it for a year or two and then they get tired of the process sometimes before you do. It can be difficult to keep on going when people are no longer hoping for you and quit asking about how things are going. But really, I hate gardening, I’ve got to write.
Fear knocks on your door. When you answer it, no one is there.
What would I do if I weren’t afraid?
I’ve done it, I’ve placed my fingerprint on my beloved; my Jesus/Lord.
My fingerpr[. … ]int.
Oh My God, He’s Black(Gravity)
-sidney ross
. … and should I never take another breath, my testimony; it has been spoken. amen
-And as for going to another country?
I’ve done that too, but not by choice.
The United States Air Force chose the European Theatre for me early on.
As a Munition Specialist(46150), I pretty much; saw it all.
God was with me, THE entire way; no fear.
Where’s my darned sled?