Blogger: Rachelle Gardner
You’ve heard all the ways to impress a literary agent. You’ve learned how to write a synopsis and build a platform and comment on agent blogs. You know the ins & outs of queries and proposals and the Holy Grail: Writing a Great Book. So wouldn’t it be fun to annoy a literary agent for a change?
I’ve got some ideas for you. You’re welcome.
1. Use a generic greeting (To Whom It May Concern or my favorite, Dear Sirs) or address it to the wrong name. (It’s Rachelle. R.a.c.h.e.l.l.e.)
2. In your query, mention that there has been no book quite as amazing as yours since To Kill a Mockingbird, and that it’s destined to become an instant classic and Hollywood will be calling any minute.
3. Forget to include a Starbucks card. (I’m KIDDING, okay? I do not accept bribes. Except maybe chocolate. But no, just KIDDING. Really.)
4. Check on the status of your query daily. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
5. Slide your proposal under the bathroom stall at a writers conference. (Though this would be considered a kind gesture if the agent’s stall happens to be out of toilet paper.)
6. Slam the publishing industry in your query. Or explain how your book will save publishing.
7. Pitch 27 different book ideas in the same query and ask the agent which one she would like to represent first.
8. Submit projects that the agent doesn’t represent, explaining that you’re certain she will change her mind once she sees how brilliantly your techno-fantasy-historical-noir-romance-memoir is written.
9. Pitch a hackneyed plot we’ve seen a thousand times and fail to include even one tiny element that makes it feel unique or fresh.
10. Say in your query that you realize the agent has a blog but you’ve never read it because after all, you’re a serious writer and you just don’t have time for that kind of thing, you’re too busy writing and all that. (LIE, people, seriously.)
Okay, your turn. Let’s title today’s comments Ways to Annoy a Writer. Go for it.
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Haha! This is a great follow up to Wendy’s post yesterday! I’m a little relieved that I haven’t done any of the things on your list, well, except for the generic greeting thing (does: To the Agents of Books & Such Literary Management count as too generic?) If I ever resort to stalking agents in bathroom stalls, somebody just shoot me…or take away my laptop.
But seriously, I do have a question about #1. If you follow the submission guidelines on an agency’s page, many of them don’t give you the option of selecting which agent you would like to pitch to, so how do you avoid the generic heading? What is the best way to address it?
You’re right LeAnne. If you’re sending to the agency and not a specific agent, you can decide on a greeting that makes sense to you.
This really happened, and maybe I was a bit too sensitive, but it did, and still does trouble me.
A person quite close to me realized that I had written a novel, and said, “Well, I’m sure it’s based on something you read about.”
Cured me from talking about WIP, or any of my writing, for that matter.
Andrew, I too have learned to be careful about sharing a WIP with a friend and my motivation for doing so.
I wanted her to know what my character was like–I did not want any kind of critique (kind of like when you say, I just need you to listen and not give advice). Big mistake. After reading two completely, non-sequential chapters to her, the first thing out of her mouth was, “He (my character) sounds totally different than he does in the other scene.”
I will eventually need to address that if that is the case, but I did not need to hear that at the stage of writing I was in at the time. I started to second guess myself for weeks afterward and had a hard time continuing. I had to figure out why I even shared it with her to start with. And I did not like my answer.
Do you have a standard line you say to people when they ask you to share your WIP? Do you just give them a one-line teaser?
I think that a lot of people like to criticize because, somehow, it makes them feel important and smart – they’ll spend the time you’re reading or speaking to them looking for a hole to enlarge.
Happens in the academic world when one talks at conferences. There’s always someone who spends twenty minutes trying to ask a question he thinks you won’t be able to answer, or find a flaw that you can’t address during the five-minute Q&A. Makes the exercise about him and his super-sized ‘brain’. Ugh.
I try to avoid the issue, and I don’t let people I encounter in ordinary life know I write. What’s the point?
If they find out and ask what I write about, I say ‘relationships’ and leave it at that.
A simple one-liner, Melodie: right now my writing is for God’s eyes only.
And when you want to share, I think it helps to be very specific: “It’s too early in my process for a true critique. But do you think this character sounds too much like someone we both know?” Or, “sometimes my writing goes right over the heads of my intended readers. Does this make sense to you, or is it too confusing?” And don’t second-guess yourself about answers to questions you weren’t asking.
Not nice.
Ouch, Andrew. It’s sad to see what some people need to do to feel better about themselves. It definitely makes sense that you don’t talk about your writing.
These were great insights. Thanks. I am presenting next month at a state-wide educational conference, so I will remember this then too.
Hey Andrew! I can’t remember exactly where I read this, but the following bit of information helped me keep things in perspective…
How a reader responds to your story will differ slightly depending on how it is presented. It’s a psychological thing. Someone who may have otherwise enjoyed The Great Gatsby may unknowingly tear it apart if asked to *critique* the work (vs being told they may read it on a plane, etc). That is the nature of the reviewer, whether or not it is intentional.
Just thought I would share! It definitely helped me through some painful/rude critiques 🙂
One way to annoy a writer:
“Dear Writer,
This is a perfectly good story and I loved it. I do believe it is publishable, just not by us at this time. [Sometimes a reason is included: their list is full, it doesn’t fit their needs at this time, etc. Sometimes they ask to see something else.] We wish you the best in your future endeavours.
Regards,
Editor.”
The first few times you get one of these, it can buoy up your spirits. After several hundred, it gets annoying. Stop telling me I’m publishable and start showing me I’m publishable! (Though I do thank you for your invitation to submit again. Hopefully several kind rejections later, my name might start building a brand, and you might think, “Hmm, maybe we ought to give this famous-sounding name a go?”)
Deer Rachle Gardiner,
God toad me he wood tell you to pubblish my book. Heres it, all 11,072 pages. I can’t wate.
Shirlee, perfect! You’re signed!
Bwa-ha-ha! Love it, Shirlee!
Made me laugh out loud. 🙂
Now, THAT’S funny!!!! …and yes, I know, no caps.!!!
2 December
Deer Richelle
I won NaNoWriMo with this book, so know it must be good. Do ya think you can have it published by Christmas? Granny’s gunna die soon and shed reelly lvoe to see it as a proper book.
P.S. It doesn’t matter that I wrote it with my left hand, does it? I broke my right one just b4 starting Nano, so it’s a bit messy. And sorry about the stain. I split my coffee when I was trying to by your Starbucks card.
Dear Loola, U R my fave kinda cleint. Sine this contrack. Sinseerly, Richelle
I am disappointed by agencies that demand (or imply a strong preference for) sole submissions, yet will not send a ‘pass’ email.
It seems to me that demanding the consideration of having an exclusive right of refusal should be met by the courtesy of a timely reply.
Surpreet, that would be completely annoying. Truthfully, I don’t know of any agencies that require exclusivity. In fact, most prefer you submit to multiple agencies at once because otherwise your process would certainly take way too long.
Rachelle, I had an agency insist on an exclusive. They then kept my novel for nine months until I finally asked about it. Offhandedly they gave it a pass. As a result I don’t do exclusives anymore.
Ignore us. That’s it, really.
Lol…
A great chuckle to go with my coffee. Thanks R.A.C.H.E.L.L.E. Bless you. 🙂
Ahhhh, way to annoy a writer?!
Tell me you’re (not *you* you, but the generic thesillyagentshallnotbenamed you)…
Let’s start again…
Tell me you don’t know how or where to sell my book. Which is a hist/fic set in the west, and you rep WESTERNS!!!
Git along little dowgy.
How about I include a Starbucks card but it will be empty. That shows intent without an actual bribe involved, right? 🙂
Kevin Ingram, hilarious and inventive. Rachelle, I really enjoyed the parenthetical #5.
Deer Rachul–Since I wrote this down word-for-word as God diktayted it, I’m sure you won’t have a probe..a prub…any tribble finding a publisher fer it. Pleeze send the stand..the staan..the usual rich and famus contract.
I had to read this 3 times. Well done! HAHAHAHA!
Richard, my boys are wondering why I’m laughing soooo hard! 🙂 Loved it.
Didn’t Kermit get offered the standard rich-and-famous contract in the first Muppet Movie? I didn’t get it as a child, but that made me laugh as an adult.
(Am I showing my age?)
I have not done any of those. I am creative with how I annoy people. I certainly do not need a list. My favorite people are liberals, I seem to annoy them without trying.
Deer Rashel,
My mom luved this book about an alein who lands on earth in the 1850’s. I no it’ll be a best seller in know tim. I aslo have a story that parallels that book about the man who lands on mars and builds a life their. It’s just like it, but diffrent. Better, I’m shure.
Please enjoy this ten pound box of Godiva chocolate.
Sincerely,
Writer
Seriously, Rachelle, your post had me laughing out loud. 🙂 I’ll work hard to not follow this particular list too closely (maybe just sending a little chocolate here and there 😉 ).
That’s funny!
Uh-oh. You may have made next April Fool’s Day very interesting for your colleagues, Rachelle…
😉
A way to annoy this writer … I wrote about surviving hardships and someone said, “There are people who have been through much worse than you.” 🙂 What annoyed me even more was that I let those words bring tears to my eyes. How easy is it to trash my confidence?! 🙂
Thank you. My child enduring cancer was no cake walk. Thank you. 🙂
Love your list, Rachelle! I know as frustrating as it can be … it must be a nice feeling at times to be so needed and sought after! Surely! That’s a writer’s dream! 🙂 I’m giggling now thinking about someone stalking me in the bathroom to read my “needs-more-editing-than-I-can-do” middle grade book!
Shelli, I’m truly sorry someone belittled the journey you’ve walked. So wrong. On many levels. On another vein, you make me smile. 🙂
Thank you, Jeanne. It was in writing, too … which meant the comments were more thought out. But you know … this person went through some tough situations, and when my book went into print, this person was one of the first to soak it in like much needed rain and praise it. Had tears, holding it in her hand. Blessed my heart. God worked it out for good!
Dear “Writer”,
We at Bleak House Publishing have read and discussed your manuscript. It has forced us to the conclusion that while there are some books that cannot be lightly put aside, there are others which must be thrown with great force.
We are,
Your obedient servants, etc. etc. etc.
(Imaginary, but it came from a very real book review in the 60s.)
Totally uncalled for!
Mornin’! 🙂
Totally uncalled for!
Good mornin’! 🙂
Okay, that just made me chortle. 🙂 Though I am certain the author who received it didn’t respond that way.
Ways to annoy a writer? Hmmm. I’ve got to go with “refuse to acknowledge my genius”. I mean, I can’t tell you how many agents have just refused to do that with me. As my seven year old daughter would say, “It’s just cra-cra!”
Case in point: I just spelled my OWN name wrong! It’s actually F-A-G-G-I-O-L-I. Upon sharing this fact just now over cereal, my daughter just rolled her eyes at me for the first time. Great.
Well, I guess I can cross off my to-do list today. Now, who else can I find to annoy? 😉
Agent who sold my memoir: “I see that you’ve entered your novel in a contest. And you didn’t even send it to me to represent?”
Me: “I did send it to you. A year ago. You rejected it.”
Agent: “But you say you rewrote it. Why wouldn’t you send it to me to read?”
Me: “Okay, sure, I will.”
[Manuscript sent. AN ENTIRE YEAR PASSES.]
Agent: “Oh, well, it wasn’t really right for us.”
Dear Jim,
Please do not submit another query letter to us again until you read Rachelle Gardner’s “10 Ways to Annoy a Literary Agent.”
Since you did 7 of the 10 things, (and 3 not listed) we would advise you to take up a different hobby – please!
With warm regards,
The Staff @ Please Go Away Literary Agency
Laughing out loud, Jim. 🙂
To My Future Agent,
My kids and all their friends absolutely love my stories, so you don’t want to let the opportunity to represent me slip through your fingers or you’ll be kicking yourself for years to come.
Sincerely,
The Next Stephanie Meyers
What’s that? You say threats of missing out on my utter magnificence DON’T make you want to work with me??? I can’t imagine why….
Ways to annoy a writer…”Since you’re at home all day and don’t have a REAL job – must be nice to have all that TIME!!! – I know you won’t mind carpooling my kids (since I have a REAL job)/ serving on such-and-such committee/ having a long phone chat with me/ etc. etc. etc.” No and no and no. Thank you 🙂
Sarah, you are so right with this. My “day job” is artist, so I have two non-real jobs. Of course, I’m sure stay-at-home moms (or dads) get really annoyed by this attitude, too.
Perfect, Sarah! Yeah, I’ve had the … “What do you do all day?” 🙂
Oh yes. I’ve gotten comments along these lines as an SAHM and writer. I try not to let it make me feel less than, but sometimes they do. Especially being unagented and pre-pubbed.
I’m with you on this one. Anytime you work at home people think that translates into free babysitting.
The one thing that truly annoys me is, “No reply means ‘no’.” It isn’t that hard to write a generic rejection and set it up as an auto-reply. One click and it’s done. Yeah, generic rejections are a bummer (ALL rejections are), but they’re still better than nothing.
Darn tootin’! What is with all these lazy agents who just don’t care enough to respect writers, anyway?
🙂
Amen to that. A lot of agents and publishing houses don’t even tell you no reply means “No,” or give a time frame to consider. And some of those don’t accept simultaneous submissions.
How about long, lengthy, frequent, and repeated communications that are redundant. And late night phone calls. And that surprise drop in. And can you help me with some personal problems? I don’t have anybody else to turn to. And how come you’re not answering me the same day?
Yeah, I HATE agents that do that stuff.
I mean, drop late-night wrestling do deal with my agent’s personal problems?
Dude, like NOT happening.
Hey! Rachelle!
You’ve been specially selected to receive this once-in-a-lifetime offer to represent a book that’s GUARANTEED to be a publisher’s dream-come true!
YES! A book that can be placed in TWO different sections of the store, to become a must-have for TWO different groups of readers!
Too good to be true? NOT ANYMORE!
Introducing the compelling and instructive story of a cannibal chief turner preacher…
“How To Serve Your Fellow Man”!
YES! Spiritual and gourmand readers will flock to the mall to devour this book! The first printing will be picked down to the bones in hours!
But there’s MORE!
If you call now to reserve your place at the table, you’ll receive a carefully crafted set of GINSU carving knives for only $19.95!
That’s RIGHT! A $59 value for LESS than TWENTY DOLLARS!
And if you opt in on the sequel, “Man…NOW we’re cookin’!”, you’ll get a second set ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Have we lost our MINDS, offering you this CRAZY deal?
YOU be the judge!
Oh. My. Goodness. It’s too early to laugh this hard.
How to annoy a writer….
Our heroine, Writer, opens Feedly, sips coffee, and scans headlines. There she sees:
47 words you should stop using immediately! Hint: “immediately” is # 23!
Tell, Don’t Show (Writer falls for this click-bait headline. The post’s thesis: *Most* of the time you should show, not tell.)
Publishing Pulse: Don’t Quit Your Day Job, Writer! (Writer does not have a day job to quit, so this is good news, sort of.)
Is Your Short Bio Working Against You? (Writer skims the post, begrudgingly admits the author has a point, and removes references to her cat from her short bio.)
How to be a Writer (Even though Writer knows better, she clicks and finds a rambling discourse on the writing life, full of mentions of the author’s cats. Writer is pretty sure the post is recycled from 2009.)
4 Marketing Secrets That Will Literally Draw Unicorns To Your Front Yard. (Writer likes unicorns and decides to read this one. “#1–If you’re not already on twitter…” Writer immediately (oops, there’s that word!) regrets her decision.)
Writer notices her coffee’s empty and supposes she’s now ready to write.
😉 Thanks, Rachelle. I enjoyed today’s post, and the comments are a hoot, too.
oh my gosh! so funny! I’m assuming some of that has happened to you?! Great chuckle. :=)
How to annoy a writer? Give her the silent treatment. Post your response times as 2-3 months, and then leave her dangling for 6. When she politely checks in after 4 months (and I’m talking about checking in on a request for a full manuscript, not a simple query), completely ignore the email. Or schedule times for her to contact you, and then refuse to respond.
I wish I was making this up, but it’s all happened to me. Some of it is happening right now. But while agents and editors are allowed to complain in public about writers’ unreasonable behaviour, if a writer does the same, it’s unprofessional and whiny.
How frustrating, Janet! God bless you!
And you make a valid point about the double standard between an agent or editor complaining versus writers complaining about agents. On the other hand, Rachelle has invited us to complain today and Wendy has as well in the past. So at least some agents are aware that there is frustration on both sides of the door (or computer screen).
Have to agree. Why do agents state their response times and then do not respond within that time? They are being unprofessional.
So true, Janet!
I wish (some) agents would remember we are only human, too – annoying, hopeful humans 🙂
I had an agent contact me and request a full ms out of the blue – no query involved. I was so shocked when I received the email, my friend had to ply me with heavily sugared tea!
Then the waiting began…and six months later I’ve almost convinced myself that I must be the worst writer in the history of writers. Being lifted from the dizzy heights of unsolicited submission request to the depths of resounding silence – it’s not fun for us annoying writers, either 🙂
Turn off #11. Queries that start off:
Dear Rachal Guardner,
I feel like I know you really good because I love your 1st name because it is my most favorist’s cousin’s name and it’s also spelled the exactly same way as yours is. Now I want to talk about my book idea. My cousin Rachal loves Hunger Games almost as much as I do. I really do like both the book and movie which I have read lot’s more than 12 times and seen at least 37 times but hey! who’s counting . . . . .
Most best wishes,
your friend, Lexi’
Great post and comments! 😉 (Keeper file!)
I’m not to the point of trying to impress a literary agent…but, on the positive side, not one agent has contacted me, having had an ill omen, to dissuade me from writing!
I’m in a good place!!
After reading your blog, if I don’t do everything right when my book is ready, I have no one to blame but myself.
Regarding today’s theme, Ways to Annoy a Writer – I love my fellow writer’s group members, but please remember that my book is different than yours. I can use that word you don’t like. Perhaps I want to break that rule that you’ve been warned against. That character’s name fits them. Please tell me about inconsistencies, character development issues, and eneven story arcs. Most of all, though, thanks for the continued encouragement.
I got a good laugh from your blog post. I feel bad for literary agents now. All of the above probably does happen on a regular basis. You are truly underpaid!
I actually had a teeshirt printed up with a kitten in a toilet peering up and the words, “Im in ur bathroom stalkin ur agent” and wore it at the Rocky Mountain Writer Conference. It got a few laughs.
I confess I committed many of those sins years ago when I was first looking for an agent. I got several responses, including one from a very nice children’s book agent I adored. I thought a friend of mine, who constantly ridiculed me for being such a Pollyanna and thinking I could get published, had put someone up to it and called me pretending to be her. I said, “Really funny. Tell Tommy I’m not amused.” Then I hung up. The woman called back immediately (there’s that word) and blurted out, “This isn’t a joke, I really am ABC. Julie, please don’t hang up.”
I think the business is less forgiving than it used to be. It’s really in a writer’s best interest to make sure they put their very best foot forward.
Great advice, Rachelle.
Don’t let the agent or editor know if you are withdrawing your submission. After spending significant time reviewing a manuscript and writing a personal letter with more than “this doesn’t fit our publishing plan,” I received the following [slightly edited to protect the innocent: “I thought you would have known from my Facebook post that I had pulled the submission and to give to my new agent.”
Agencies that don’t have automatic – we received your query – but then also never contact you unless they are interested. So the writer never knows if they got the query at all.
What a fun post! And now I know it’s okay to spritz my query with my signature scent and fill the envelope with confetti. (wink)
Don’t bother with any kind of response. Just send his or her query directly over to the Slush Pile Hell blog. Or, I suppose sending the would-be author a link to his query on Slush Pile Hell would also be sufficient. 😉
Rachele:
I like the “slide your manuscript under the bathroom stall” best, I think it is a real winner.
I thought it was just a joke that people did that until I saw someone actually do it – at the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference, of all places.
Dear Linda,
While there are many good points to your manuscript, I was taken aback by the way your hero thought about the woman he had just met. Are you serious? I mean, really? I don’t believe we have a place for your work at this time. XXXX
One line and my book wasn’t what they were looking for. This was years ago. I’ve not tried again.
I could attach an empty Starbucks card with a promise to fill it when we meet for coffee. That’s good, right?
I don’t get annoyed by much. I believe what’s meant to be will find it’s way, for the most part. However, as was already mentioned, it is really encouraging when you get the first rejection letter saying all the standard encouraging lines. Then, a few down the road, when you see the trend, it somehow seems less encouraging. That’s when I have to remind myself, when it’s right, that letter will read very differently.
How to irritate a writer: I think we all expect rejections but if the agent or publisher tears the work apart without giving thought to the person behind the hard work, that’s difficult.
Sorry, couldn’t come up with anything funny considering how funny other responses are!
Great reading and very insightful.
Ways to annoy a writer:
1. At a writer’s conference appointment, spend the whole time talking to the writer’s spouse who is not presenting a manuscript.
2. At the end of the time, tell the writer that you are not interested in their project without even looking at their presentation.
3. Ask the writer’s spouse to send them a manuscript on the topic they had been discussing.
(True story…happened to me)
How about including hand-drawn pictures of my main characters, with captions done in calligraphy? Wouldn’t that be great? I’ve got a thousand amazing ideas like this. I should be charging for them. Wait, how do I hit Retract on this comment?
Enjoyed this post, Rachelle.
I have completed my first book last year and been trying ever since to find an agent for my book or even just a publisher to want to take the chance on my book. I had an editor approach me to edit my book and using his referrals, had five agents read my book. They all had good things to say about my book but were not in love with it to want to take the risk with me. How do I get agents or a publisher to want to take that chance with me?