Blogger: Rachelle Gardner
Okay, so you notice there’s no shortage of advice out there about how to make the most of a conference. But what about those of us who are introverts? It can be even more difficult for us to navigate these social situations. Oh, how we envy our extrovert friends! Are there any special tips for people like us?
Well, yes, there are. Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Change your mindset from “me” to “them.” You’re at the conference to learn and to network, but paradoxically, the best way to do that is to focus on the needs of others. Set your own discomfort aside, and look for others who may also be uncomfortable, and see how you can make things easier for them. Even if you’re talking with an agent or editor, focus on them instead of yourself. Ask questions about their experience. See if there’s anything they need. This is one of the best ways for an introvert to get out of their shell.
2. Research before the conference. If there are authors, editors, or agents you’re interested in talking with, Google them ahead of time to get some ideas for possible topics of conversation. They won’t seem like total strangers, and you won’t feel like an idiot in trying to have a conversation.
3. Reach out before the conference. There may be some people to whom you can send a quick email or Facebook message, inviting them to coffee, asking if they’d like to sit with you at a meal, or otherwise planning ahead for some of your social interactions. This is especially important if you’ve had online communication with people but don’t know them offline. You’ll feel more comfortable if you have some planned meetings with others.
4. Have some questions or opening lines ready. Think through the range of people you will likely meet, and write down a number of conversation openers that will help you overcome any awkwardness when meeting someone. Try to avoid yes/no questions, and make sure you listen carefully to the answers, which will give you clues for continuing the conversation. Some possible conversation-starters:
- What’s your favorite part of the conference so far? (Or, what are you most looking forward to at the conference?)
- What brings you to this conference?
- What do you find most valuable about these conferences?
- What did you think of today’s keynote speaker?
- Can you tell me a little about your work?
5. Also, have some answers of your own ready. Plan some concise and fascinating answers to questions like, “So, what do you write?” and “Tell me about yourself.” You don’t want to be tongue-tied at those moments!
6. Prepare your book pitch. Make sure you’ve organized your thoughts about the book(s) you’re pitching, so you can easily give a 1 or 2 minute spiel when asked.
7. Approach it with a friend. Make sure you and your friend encourage each other to talk to new people. Be each other’s wingman and moral support—DON’T use each other as a crutch and don’t just talk to each other. You each may know different people, so plan to introduce your friend to people you know, and she can do the same for you. You can also highlight each other’s accomplishments in a conversation.
8. Be a part of the conference. Volunteer to help! A great way to overcome introvert tendencies is to put yourself in a place where people are coming to you for help or answers to questions. When you’re volunteering, be as friendly and outgoing as you can, allowing for serendipitous connections.
9. Rejuvenate yourself as needed. If, as an introvert, you need solitude to get re-energized, plan time for this. Whether it’s quiet time in your hotel room, a half-hour in the hotel gym or a walk outside, make self-care a priority in your schedule.
Readers, anything to add? Any questions about conferences?
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Great advice! Conferences can be quite terrifying. I’d rather face Smaug.
* One thing I did, when I went to professional conferences, was “Act As If”; that is, act as if I was extroverted, a hail-fellow-well met. I’d join groups and immediately pitch in, and when I saw someone I knew I’d shout a greeting from across the room. I got a rep as a fun-loving ne’er do well…which was most amusing.
* My nature, and training, are the opposite. I’m normally the grey man; if I’m in an elevator, and you get on, you’ll think you’re alone. It’s part nature, part nurture. Marilyn Monroe was skilled at this, and could go shopping in Manhattan alone, without attracting attention.
* Well, there. I have something in common with Marilyn Monroe. I can now die happy.
I have the same reservations about promoting myself, Peter. It helps to remember that it is an expectation of the conference, No one is going to label me pushy for promoting my book concept–provided that I do it politely.
A question, which I thought of just as I clicked ‘submit comment’…
* There is no earthly way I’m going to be able to make it to a conference; how bad a disadvantage is that?
* I guess that pursuant to that question, I’ll ask one more, the one I kind of dreaded asking. No secret that I’m in really grim health. I can still produce, and haven’t given up…but the long-term prospects are not good. Is it even worth trying to pursue representation, under the circumstances? Or would most agents (assuming they found the writing had potential) check my blog, on which I’ve documented my journey (more of a bad trip!), and pass with the justification that “this dude has NO legs for a long career”. I’d totally understand that; it’s the feeling I have about things now.
As I read this, Andrew, the word “collaborator” danced in my head (sometimes those dancing words come straight from God). Your best thoughts flow out of your pain. If you worked with someone else, those best thoughts wouldn’t have to be in their final form.
Shirlee, thanks…good thought!
Yes, yes, yes … you have an incredible story. Who else can God get to talk to the limbless as effectively as Nick Vuicick. Who else has such real faith, writing skills, humor, a blog site, two loyal dogs and a supportive wife? Who else can God get to talk relevantly and meaningfully to the dying and their families, as well as Andrew Budek-Schmeisser. Ask God to send you and make heaven wait until you are done, even if you leave the editing to be done by others. I could do my best at the subject, but I would still be painfully theoretical. A paraplegic I knew phoned a new victim shortly after his discharge from hospital and said, “I am coming to visit you, you cripple” and downed the phone. He was also an Andy and represented his country in the Paralympics. Guess how quickly the other guy cooled down when he met Andy … but no one, not even his family could have gotten away with such audacity. My bro, you are relevant in broad ways, but there are heartbreaks out there who need your defiant, courageous, ever cheerful approach to what for many is the hardest, loneliest passage of life. If I could go and pitch you I would, but now I appeal to this community … who knows, Shirlee, if we both battle to sell ourselves, lowering our friend’s bed from the roof may provide an opening for us too. That said, thanks Shirlee, your counsel is really wise. Hows this Andrew – Jesus never did many things in his life. He did a few things exceptionally well. Right now, He has you focused on a very narrow brief – give it all you have and then hang up your crown.
Pete, not quite in shape to offer the deserved thanks at length…but hope a heartfelt “thank you!” is OK. Printed it out, will hang it on the refrigerator.
It may just be me, but I find selling myself a challenge. I can sell an objective offering as in an idea or product, I can speak publicly, communicate with passion, make friends easily and I defend principle like a stone-wall, but ask me to sell myself and I … well, no. There I fail and undersell myself or over-pitch, every time. Anyway, what I learnt in toastmasters is that preparation is the most practical antidote to nervousness and yet over-preparation can remove the soul of your message. With time I acquired anchors, way-points in my mind that serve as my route-map in any presentation i.e. (a) A picture of my ice-breaking point kicks my intro into play, (b) the next mental icon cues my follow on, but I rarely memorize every word around that. I just know “now I must talk about this and next I will talk about … (c) another mental icon floats into my frontal lobe and I take the cue and talk on that …. etc. The trick is to prepare enough to seem understated and informal. If giving a speech, I always get there early to case the joint first and remove whatever hindrances I can before time. I also review who my audience will be and what contextual things can help me as in lighting, location, etc. That really helps to get my butterflies flying in formation, but I don’t think nervousness can ever be overcome, we can only learn to ride the beast. A lot of the above applies to preparation for a conference and any other moment of performance. I hope it helps – sure has helped me through the years. Thanks Rachelle.
This is wonderful advice.
I am a recovered (almost) introvert. As a child I was recommended for special education due to my shyness (I qualify for MENSA, by the way), so I had a long way to go.
I began to volunteer and join school organizations and found that in spite of my sometimes debilitating shyness, I actually had a gift for public speaking.
Yet, I still walked into a crowded room and found a spot at the wall. Then I had a really fun life-of-the-party roommate, who made everyone feel at ease and worked a room, introducing people, leaving a wake a new friendships in her path. One day (like Andrew said), I just went in a room and decided that for that day I would be Mary. It worked. I am now known as a connector and networker. I have absolutely no problem at conferences or large gatherings. In fact I struggle more with small gatherings (that introvert in me still tells me I don’t belong).
I think that the best part of your advice is to think of others and their needs. I am a testament to the success of that.
Thanks, Rachelle.
Brilliant ideas. I like how #1 and #8 emphasize selflessness. #3 is great, too, because I would look forward to a one-on-one with somebody.
Very helpful post! Now I don’t have to be like the big red monster in Looney Tunes who looks at the crowd, says “PEOPLE!” and runs away terrified.
https://youtu.be/b0FViwZmsGQ
One of the things that helped me adopt an extroverted alter ego at conferences was how I dressed. Typically, I wear oversize shirts and loose-fitting shorts or cargo pants; one has greater freedom of movement, and comfort (and it’s easier to hide a bulky weapon like an MP5K under a large shirt, if you’re interested).
* I developed a signature outfit for conferences; tight black Levis, a bright orange t-shirt, a white dinner-jacket, black high-tops, and mirrored sunglasses. This did three things –
1) It was outside my comfort zone, and I had to ‘overact’ to offset the mental cringing every time I passed a mirror (in the beginning, anyway).
2) It gave me an identity; being familiar in a group, over time, is like being a small sun…one attracts people with a sort of gravitational pull.
3) The identity it gave exuded confidence – the clothing said, in effect, “I’l loud, brash, and colourful”, and people in conversational groups would defer to that before I had to say one word.
* To be fair, there are other aspects – things like posture, walk, handshake, and tone of voice – that go into the “extrovert persona”, and these I had to practice. But they quickly became second nature…and, in a way, I always regretted the conference’s end, and the putting off of the image.
* It was fun.
Yeah, and I forgot one thing that went with ‘image’ – I always wore my nametag upside-down. When people would tell me, “Dude, you’r tag’s upside-down,” I would say, in the gravest possible tone…”I know. Isn’t it awful?”
* As I said…it was FUN.
THIS, this is priceless. It made me laugh out loud, and I can totally see how it would be a great ice breaker. I would definitely do it.
Very helpful info, Rachelle. I’m such an introvert, but I am the most extroverted I ever get at writer’s conferences. I think it’s because the conference is my fun time, my get out and be an individual time, my wear new clothes and be silly with my sister time. It was more stressful back when conference time was, sell my book time. I pitch my latest story, but I’m there to learn and have fun and some more fun. Seeking out the needs and interests of others is your most helpful insight I think. This really helps us shy folk resist the urge to hide, someone else might need a friend. An introvert understands that!
If available, sign up for the conference mentor program. The Write-to-Publish Conference has a great Paul/Timothy program. It pairs new conferees with someone who has attended in the past. Many questions can be answered prior to the conference, and the two eat lunch together on the first day. I have made many lasting friendships with writers through this program.
I never thought about messaging someone in advance. As an introvert, it’s definitely a safer means of starting up a conversation. Thanks!
A blog I posted a while back for the Florida Christian Writers Conference and on my own site(and proof that great minds do, indeed, think alike):
http://martipieper.com/write-the-introverts-guide-to-the-writers-conference/
(I hope you can view this Rachel; my site is on pause right now while I transition between companies/hosts, but I could access it today.)
Sorry, Rachelle–I’m sure it’s not the first time this has happened. But still. Forgive me!
I started my research career as a Myers-Briggs introvert. When I retested four years later, I had morphed into a functional extrovert because I had to in order to do my job. Now I’m a natural extrovert. So much for the theory you don’t change. I did it through the “as if I were” method by copying the assertive communication style of the guys I worked with. Even the big dogs in science have to prove their positions with arguments based on evidence, and that drives an extroverted atmosphere at conferences. One thing I tell young researchers who are worried about presenting their work at their first conference is that they are the world’s expert on the particular research they will be reporting and that they should let their passion for their work energize their presentation. Oral presentation = stage performance, and enthusiasm makes it memorable. I haven’t been to my first writer’s conference yet, but I suspect that applies to an author, too. Nobody knows better what you wrote and why. Passion is contagious. Prepare well, then let the passion show as you share what you love. If I’m wrong on this, I’d appreciate it if someone would tell me before I test my theory at a real conference.
I plan to build up to ACFW, then cool down after. I do love a tonne of friends around, but I also love quiet.
At ACFW 2013, I made sure that I took time to be alone, pray and chill for a bit. But, at that one, I knew so very few people. This one coming up will be insane. But I’m already mentally preparing myself for that.
I attend a lot of events that include networking. I still struggle with it. My default tactic is to just walk up to someone and say “Hi, I’m Steve!” If I’m in a line I’ll turn to the person behind me or near me, if I’m seated I turn to whoever is next to me. The hard part is the first greeting. Once the ice is broken it gets easier.
Late again to the party, because yesterday I didn’t think I could comment because I’ve never been to a writer’s conference and don’t anticipate that I ever will, and then I sez to myself, “Self, you’ve been to many conferences about shipbuilding and making logistic plans, so there can’t be much difference in principle.” Being late, I read and see (well, sorta see) similarities with attendees’ attitudes. Introverts pretend to be extroverts, shy people get shrill, and etc. ad nauseam. My tactic was always twofold: Believe in myself and be myself. A phony salesman is as easy to spot as a glass diamond ring. You’ve written (struggling to write) a book and seek qualified judgement about your project. You know the story and you’ve honed your wordsmithing skills until your sentences no longer induce sleep. Bottom line: Set goals and prepare for them. And dammit, SMILE! Lotsa luck.