Blogger: Rachelle Gardner
Professional situations can be awkward, and sometimes it’s hard to know exactly what kind of etiquette is required. We are all busy, and it can be tempting to rush through our days with little concern for niceties. But life and business are so much more enjoyable when we pay attention to good manners. Here are some tips I’ve gleaned, meant as simple reminders of the common courtesies that can make our days more pleasant.
1. Send thank you notes.
It’s easy to overlook notes in this electronic age, and I confess I have a hard time with this. But enough people have told me what a big impression thank you notes make — and what a BIGGER impression the lack of a thank you note makes — that I’m convinced it’s still the most courteous thing to do. If a handwritten note is truly beyond your skill-set, at the very least you could send a nice note via email or Facebook. Texting is probably not going to cut it (unless you’re thanking someone for their thank-you note!)
2. Avoid discussing publisher or agent problems in a public forum such as Facebook.
It can be tempting to vent, but the way to actually solve problems is to go directly to the parties involved.
3. Speak positively about others.
It’s not enough to simply avoid speaking negatively about others. I think it actually makes YOU look good if you praise others, giving credit where credit is due or simply admiring someone’s work. Whenever you have the opportunity to speak about a person who is not present, make it something good if at all possible.
4. Greet people with a handshake in professional situations.
Sometimes there’s that awkward moment when you’re not sure whether to shake hands. This is especially true in our business where many of us have been friends and business acquaintances for so long that a hug feels more natural. If you are comfortable with a hug, that’s fine. But remember the handshake is still the professional greeting. When in doubt — put your hand out.
5. Pay attention to the person with whom you’re interacting.
Whether you’re meeting with someone in person or on the phone, pay attention to them, not to your electronic devices or computer, or other people passing by. It’s tempting to multi-task, but it’s much more valuable to focus.
6. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
People will often fail to live up to your expectations. People will hold different viewpoints from you. Try to remember that most people are doing the best they can with what they have, and give them grace.
7. Carefully consider your words, both written and verbal.
Before saying something, use the old method of asking yourself: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Hopefully this will keep your interactions productive and you’ll avoid regret.
8. Be aware of generational differences in communication preference.
This is an extreme generalization, but it’s helpful: Baby-boomers tend to prefer the phone. Gen-x-ers go for email. Millennials gravitate toward texting. It never hurts to ask someone how they prefer to communicate. Luckily, most business people are now comfortable with all known forms of communication, but they may still have a preference.
9. Don’t interrupt.
Just today, I was standing in a hallway having a conversation with a business associate, when another person approached and said, “Do you mind if I ask you a business question?” with apparently no awareness that they were interrupting. I think this is usually self-absorption more than anything else. Pay attention to others, wait your turn to speak, and avoid interrupting.
10. Listen for understanding.
When you’re in a conversation, listen carefully and work to understand what is being said—as opposed to simply formulating your own reply in your mind long before the other person is finished speaking. Being a great listener is a key to success in all communication.
11. Don’t let email completely replace voice contact.
While it’s important to be aware of how others prefer to communicate, try not to let business relationships be “email only.” A well-timed phone call every now and then can smooth over a multitude of rough patches. But also…
12. Be sensitive to people’s time on the phone.
While some conversations require a sizable chunk of time, I generally recommend either planning on a 30-minute maximum, or clarifying ahead of time what length of time has been slotted for the call.
13. In email, remember: Bottom line up front (BLUF).
Don’t ramble. Even if you need to explain something at length, you should still put the most important point or question right up top.
14. Keep email subject lines current.
If you are hitting “Reply” but the subject of the email stream has changed, update the subject line to reflect the current content. Otherwise, people won’t be able to find and identify the email if they’re looking for it later.
15. Double check your email before hitting SEND.
We’ve all had nightmares of sending an email to the wrong person… or sending a “venting” email that nobody should have seen. To avoid this, here’s my trick: Whenever you’re composing a sensitive email, FIRST delete the names in the “To” field. That way, you can’t accidentally send it. Once you’ve decided the note is suitable for sending, you can add the “To” names back in.
Do you think etiquette is important? What are some etiquette rules you WISH people would follow?
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God is right: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. But I appreciate your #8: Do unto them in their preferred form.
Manners do matter, and I thank you for stating it so clearly.
Let me shout “Amen!”
Would you prefer I did that by email or phone?
Such a great reminder, Rachelle. I have hammered on these things for years in my home and in working with high school leadership. I taught the National Honor Society how to shake hands, how to introduce others in social situations and from a podium, to stand when an adult enters the room, to take off your hat inside- boys (!!!! – that one really bugs me), how to sit on a stage – girls, how to stand up straight and make eye contact, even how to eat properly at a dinner or banquet table.
Many kids have reported back just how valuable all those lessons were.
If ever we need a motto for life, it might be ye olde “Check brain before engaging mouth!” This is essential in this day of interacting with others and being quoted out of context. Example: Michelle Obama’s speech at the Liberty University’s graduation the other day was disappointing in that some of her words have the power to incite black racist militants and justify the “there you go” attitude of white racist militants. We expect more from our first ladies, especially one who’s held the position for six years. Her speech writer—and I hope it wasn’t Michelle, herself—should have known that the news media would broadcast only snippets of her entire speech and so she’d be quoted out of context. One thing about reading the Gospels is that in any book, chapter, or verse Christ can be quoted out of context and the message of God’s love for mankind can never be misinterpreted. As writers who by necessity must engage in business or artistic situations, we must concentrate on being courteous and succinct. Great subject this week–as usual, Rachelle.
Great post…etiquette is vital, and I’d like my legacy to be “he was a gentleman’.
Two things I would add
First, guys, in conversation with ladies, eyes up.
Second, limit the use of jargon. It can give a tone of exclusivity, and leave people feeling left out.
As an addition to #7, I might say this – ask yourself, if you feel you have to say something negative, “am I saying this because it can help US, or am I saying it to hit back in some way?” This kind of filter is very necessary in marriage, and often, sadly, ignored.
There are few men in this world who would out-do you in being a gentleman. I’ve seen it with how you treat Barbara, and your friends who come to visit.
Thank you so much, Jennifer.
Great tips, Rachelle. And I add my hearty AMEN! to them.
For me, and these may dovetail somewhat with what you’ve already shared. I appreciate eye contact when others speak to me. At least some of the time. We’re working hard to teach our boys to give eye contact in social interactions.
The second one you’ve kind of talked about, but using gracious words, especially in social media. Whether in an update or comment, in a review, finding a gracious way to share disagreement or a varying opinion will carry a lot more weight than snark and rudeness.
(hand in the air) Preach it!!
Jeanne, your boys are great kids, and their Mom’s friend can prove it. VERY polite and when they warm up, they are hilarious and a lot of fun to be around. And very well mannered!!!
As for snark? Ohhhh, mercy. You know how I feel about that. There is a time and a place and it is NOT in a review!!!
Thanks for the kind words, my friend. And yes, snark, in appropriate settings, is fine. 🙂
And doing the #3, #6, and #7 automatically takes care of the nightmares we’re trying to prevent with the #15!
I would agree that etiquette is extremely important, Rachelle. As you say, it can smooth out awkward or tense situations, and whether people realize it or not, is Philippians 2:3-4 in practice.
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”
As far as etiquette rules I wish people would folliw, I would just like for most drivers to acknowledge to themselves that they aren’t rushing to perform open heart surgery or deliver a baby 😉 Etiquette on the roads is so often overlooked these days, but it’s especially important when you’re hurtling around encased in a giant metal shell.
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One thing I always ask when I go somewhere outside my culture is “what are the no-no’s?”
-In Bolivia, one does NOT say “hola” to a grown man, one says “buenos dias”, or “buenos noches”.
“Hola”, said in Bolivia to a male not of one’s acquaintance, means “heeeeeey baaaybeeeee”.
-In most of South America, hand shaking is followed by inordinate amounts of cheek kissing. Not so in Canada, unless one is Quebecois.
-In Navajo culture, don’t look people in the eye, or point your finger at anything, those behaviours are considered very rude.
-In Arab culture, if a guest leaves a meal able to breathe and stand up straight, the hostess has not done her duty. My dad told me, “if you leave food on your plate, you’ve insulted the hostess, because leftovers mean the food was too awful to finish”.
Bring on the baklava!
-I just replied to an email from my youngest’s teacher. Apparently, he wanted me to act as chaperone to a national science fair taking place in our town. I politely let him know I was unable to attend due to a previous commitment. I did NOT say “I cannot think of a worse way to spend a morning. A zillion kids and science? Not on my watch.”
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Write thank you notes!!
Call before you show up at my house during the day, that way I can Febreeze the hockey bags!
And do NOT, for all that is good and holy, answer my “hello” on the phone with “guess who this is!”. If you have to ask me that, 10$ says that I do actually have a restraining order with your name on it.
Or???
The piéce de résistance???
Showing up at my parent’s house at 9am on a Saturday morning to “surprise” them, and then spend 2 hours sighing and saying “wow, I sure wish we had a place to stay and didn’t have to pay for a hotel”.
That, amigos, will not amuse anyone.
Jennifer,
Ha! If someone calls and doesn’t immediately give their name, I just hang up. Even if it sort of sounds like the pastor.
And – sign me up! I can have my shoes on in 2 minutes and grab my purse. I can think of no better way to spend a day than to wrangle a group of kids though a science fair. Cloud nine!
Yes, people not announcing themselves on the phone is definitely a pet peeve of mine too. Probably if you aren’t announcing yourself we’re not friends anyway, so how in earth am I supposed to guess who you are??? There are only about five people who I’d excuse this behavior in and that’s because we’re immediate family so I instantly recognize their voices anyway.
But my husband us not on that list, because at age 30 he still lover to prank call people, myself included 😛
*loves
My husband knows I would hang up on him!
Jennifer, you bring up such a good point, in knowing proper etiquette in different cultures. Eye contact is something I appreciate in our culture, but if it’s going to send a wrong message in another culture? I need to know that.
Great points, my friend!
Helpful tips, Rachelle. Thank you. Except for the thank you cards, ugh! But If a fabulous agent chose to represent me…I think I could be inspired and manage a thank you card. Still, it takes me back to that first year my Hubby and I were married and how all the relatives kept calling and asking us when they would be getting their thank you cards. I got them out, eventually, but there was a lot of pressure.
Great tips, Rachel. #10–listen for understanding–is difficult for me: I care what others have to say but find my mind skipping ahead of the conversation to formulate the best answer.
Sorry for the misspell of your name, Rachelle. My daughter’s name is Rachel, so I automatically gravitated to that spelling.
I didn’t realize the blessing of a hand-written note until I couldn’t write them anymore. Years ago I was in a car accident which crushed my wrist. The talented doctors were able to reattach my hand and I can keyboard as well as ever. I can still play the piano, not as well as I’d like, (but that was true before the accident). What I can’t do is grip a pen and write legibly. It doesn’t bother me often–only when I know a hand-written note could bless someone. It sounds like a lame excuse, until one tries to read the scribbles I produce, which works fine for my signature, but seems an insult for a thank you note!
Oh my goodness, Barbara! Well, you certainly have a good reason not to send thank you notes. Are you able to type well, or does your wrist bother you when you do that?
Excellent points, and commenters have touched on some of the things I would emphasize.
As a member of the “mature” generation.–i.e., I still believe in voice communication, whereas everyone else in my family (even my wife) seems to favor text messages–may I point out that there are some nuances that only speaking with someone can convey, while texts and emails are open to interpretation.
That having been said, thanks Rachelle for all these reminders.
I’d like to add that on the handshake, please make it a nice, firm handshake — not soft and wimpy! Also, as females, when we meet a man, we’re to extend our hand first. Great reminders Rachelle!
I work a lot with foreign nationals from all around Asia and still get confused about some of the etiquette. Shake hands or bow, or both? And here in Hawaii hugging is very common and that adds another difficulty. Not everyone likes it, but it is often expected. But if you are sincere, most people excuse small mistakes. Plus, I’m not afraid to ask what is proper if I’m not sure.
My husband and I went to the base exchange looking for a package of general Thank You cards. I’ve always kept a supply on hand because it’s easy to forget to send one if you have to go out shopping for it.
After searching the stationery and greeting card displays to no avail, I found an employee.
“Oh,” she said, “We don’t carry those any more. We don’t have blank ones, either.”
I was dumbfounded. The employee mentioned others have asked as well, and assured me she would pass it on to higher-ups, but the cards are supplied by a vendor, and the vendor decides what they wish to sell.
Manners are the cornerstone of society. I shudder to think what ours is coming to.
Thank you, Rachelle, for the reminder that we should always practice good manners.
Elisa, I find that shocking. When I was active duty, part of my job was to groom future leaders, and that included schooling them in manners an traditions as well as flying and planning. Of course, I was “schooled” as a young cadet.
Oops, and here I made an etiquette goof. I mean Elissa, not Elisa.
Many things change over the years, Elissa. When I graduated, new officers were “required” to have personal calling cards,l personal letters were supposed to be in handwriting, and Thank you cards were frowned upon, although some personal stationary were engraved. Now it seems that thank you cards have come and gone. Also, I write personal letters on the computer and print them out, and many people use e-mail. I can’t claim that it’s worse or better, only different. I suppose it’s nice that somebody thinks enough of me to communicate their thoughts.
Fantastic advice. I’m still (and forever?) working on number 9.
This is fine commentary. Simple, straightforward, and very necessary for civil discourse in today’s less than civil world. Such actions and considerations also help make communication clearer; this is something everyone can benefit from.
And lastly, “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” Make the effort to look professional.
Terrific post! All good advice, but especially, “Be a Great Listener.”
Thank you notes…my nightmare! I was not raised in the US and thank you notes are not part of what people do in Mexico (you either pick up the phone or you drive to their home to deliver a present), so I really, really struggle with this. Worse, I am a pastor’s wife…sigh. No excuse, I should follow Jimmy Fallon’s example and dedicate a day of the week to write my thank you notes 😉
Thank you for this great list! We all need to be reminded about common courtesy. I blush to see a few things on this list I need to work on.