Bad Query Contest

Rachel Kent

Blogger: Rachel Kent

I started seeing mention of these Bad Query Contests on Twitter this week so I thought it would be fun to host one on the Books & Such blog. Please take a moment to jot a quick query in the comments section for a project that doesn’t exist. I will then pick the worst query at the end of the day and the prize will be an

evaluation of your REAL query letter and–to sweeten the deal– a copy of my client Liz Johnson’s new book, A Promise to Protect. I’ll announce the winner tomorrow morning (Thursday) on the bottom of this blog and I’ll also email the winner to get his or her real query letter and mailing address.

To write a bad query letter you first need to know what makes a good query. Here are a few pointers:

1) Start off your query with a sentence that hooks the editor or agent. This hook is most effective when it shows off the unique aspect of your manuscript.

2) Keep your query short and to the point–but not too short. One standard page is a good length.

3) Make sure you check your query for spelling/grammar errors. You don’t want to have any!

4) Be sure to include information about the book and also about yourself.

5) Include your word count, title, and genre in the query letter.

6) Let your writing voice come out in your query. Be yourself!

To read more about writing a good query, check out an older blog of Janet’s:

Have fun writing your bad queries! And please don’t feel like you need to spend a long time on them!

If you have any questions about query letters in general feel free to ask in the comments as well. 

291 Responses

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  1. Anne Love says:

    I’m writing to explain why you need to publish my creative work of art!
    I”ve spent my life energy on my nearly completed novel about a girl and her cat named Moses who introduces her to the dream of her life, Jake, who cat-sits and plays a bass guitar. In the end they fall in love, all because of Moses the cat.

  2. To Whom It May Concern: The point of my book is that the Bible is really a fairy tale, co-written by the Brothers Grimm and Frances Bacon (under the pen name of Will Shakespeare). Although I’ve had no reply from the people I’ve asked to critique the manuscript, I’m sure it won’t need any editing, because God gave it to me. I’m open to negotiate with whatever publishing house you think will pay the most for this book, working title FROM RUMPELSTILTSKIN TO REVELATION, and am prepared to offer you 5% of the royalties after the first million.
    Yours truly,
    Harvey Schmidlap III

  3. Dear Agentt,
    I have such a tremendous idea that if you don’t send me a contract right away, you will be mising out on the opportunity of yur life. I found in my mamas journal the secret behind the JFK assassination. I wil start my 150,000 word buk as soon as you send me an advance of $50,000.0. Cant wait to hear frum you! :)
    The Authur You’ve Ben Waiting For

    (Great suggestions, Rachel!)

  4. Dear Mr. Kent,

    My work in progress, 250,000 words so far, is a fictionalized account of the Bible. Lots of fighting, blood and gore, and naughty women. Who can resist that!

    I’ve been working on this novel for over 20 years and need the advance money to buy more paper and pens. My computer broke down so I can’t email the file. I can mail it to you if you agree to pay the postage. The package weighs about fifty pounds.

    Can’t weight to here from you!



  5. Jill Kemerer says:

    Mr. Rob Kent,

    Act now to represseent my 15 part series, BANANA PEELS. Set in modern day France, thirteenth century mongolia, AND Area 51, my fiction and non-fiction memoir of a boy who relives a day in the life of a banana peel is gauranteed to spark a bidding war.

    You edit right? My job is to write the book, not edit it. I expect your call within 24 hours.

    Jane Delusion

    (Rachel, I forfeit my contest entry–I read Liz’s book and it WAS AWESOME!!!)

  6. Dear Mister Laube,

    I have reesently compeleted a made up fickshunal novel set in a Amish calleny in space. Like, okay. I know, right? Awsum!
    So, like, the chief Amish guy has this reely hawt, like totally HAWT dotter named Lola and she liks this hawt dude and they wanna dance at prom but, like, her meen dad is like, so mean and he wont let em dance. Cuz hes a sk8ter! I’m like, whatevs, right, so yeah. Sk8ters are still kewl.
    The fickshun book ull be, like, epic! And like, sell alot two.
    Can I meet the hawt chicks an pick one fer the covver?

    Yer lucky I rote yoo first,cuz soon people ar gonna be beggin fer “Hawt Amish Space Aliens Warz” by me,
    L. Skywalker
    Dagoba System

  7. Jana Hutcheson says:

    Dear Sir and/or Madam:

    How would you like to have to have a hand in publishing the next national bestseller?

    Please open the attached file containing my 250,000 word novel entitled when Doves Cry, the first in a proposed quadrilogy.

    The story follows an interesting array of characters who all have problems that need to be solved. It starts out slow, but once you get past all the back story it really picks up. . Trust me, you’re going to love it!

    This book would appeal to fans of Twilight, Harry Potter, Shades of Gray, Downton Abbey, and The Giving Tree. Please give me a call and tell me what you think. (No pressure, but my son is about to start college so I’d really like to get the ball rolling on this quickly if at all possible. )

    Yours sincerely,

    Imma Cluless

  8. Lori says:

    Dearest Rachel, Janet, Wendy, Mary, and Rachelle,

    My work in progress is a sequel to Toltsoy’s “War and Peace” called “Peace and War”. It is a little longer than your usual submissions, 950,000 words at least. Instead of the War of 1812 between Russia and France, my novel takes place in 1983 with the Invasion of Grenada. My book is a historical romantic/military fiction.

    I submitted to every agent I can find and your agency is my last hope.

    I look forward to hearing right away from you.

    Would be Best Selling Author

  9. Leia Brown says:

    Dear Ms. Rachelle Kent:
    I’ve just written a book that you’ll love. It can be turned into a Screenplay almost immediately. But you’re the agent, so if you think we need to sell it as a book first, I’m good with that. “The Rancher’s Bride” is about a girl in New York City who falls inlove with a visiting cowboy, but he loves the ranch and she loves the big city. But they both love each other! So there’s the tension. What are they going to do? The scene where he is going to the airport and she races after him to tell him she really does love him even though they just broke up – well, it’s just so romantic. I see Kristen Stewart in the lead. Would you like to do lunch soon and talk about it?

  10. Rach,

    Yep. Wrote a book. It’s a good one. Wish you’d just pick up a phone and call me back. Sheesh. What is it with all this rigamarole all you agents like to put us through? Like we need more bureaucratic tape in this country.

    Anyway, the book. You know what’s never been done? A book on Revelation. Yep. Could be good. As long as it’s written by me.

    I’ll go verse by verse through the book. I figure that’s a book a chapter. Maybe more. So what is that, like twenty chapters? Whoops. Twenty-two. Even more money to be made. Sweet.

    So let me know. Later.

    Terry Common

    Okay, I promise I’m not rude like that in real life! But I couldn’t resist.

  11. Michelle Ule says:

    I cannot say anything.

  12. Cheryl Dale says:

    Dear Mr. Gardner
    I have thoroughly researched you as an agent and you are the perfect match for my picture book.

    My book is the story of two year old twins who decide one day to pretend they are each other but they then forget which one is which and so they go through life not knowing who they are any more. It is exciting and intriguing and could be considered a cross over to middle grade and maybe even young adult. It is 150 words total. I have sent it to several other agents and publishers so it is first come first served.

    Thanks for your time.

  13. I’m laughing so hard at these I can hardly think! But this is so fun! Hm. Okay, will try it:

    Dear Book and Such Agency,

    I have just completed my first novel for NaNo. It’s ready to be published. No one has read it yet, so it’s going to rock everyone’s worlds.

    My book, set in Cave Man times, includes a main character who acts like Scarlett O’Hara, only she’s in a war with the dinosaurs, not the Yankees. Her name is Jinga Joo. Her husband’s name is Jinga Loo. They have a baby called little Jinga J.

    This is a Historical Fiction Romance Suspense Biblical Times novel, with elements of YA. It’s complete at 50,000 words.

    I’ve heard it can take up to six months to hear back from agents, so in the meantime, I’m going to wait to hear from you. This is an exclusive query.

    Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

    –NaNo SupaSTAR

  14. Jill Kemerer says:

    I just read through the rest of the queries, and I can’t stop giggling!! These are awesome!

  15. Ashley Smith says:

    To Whom It may Concern,

    After much research, I selected to hire you as my agent. For your convenience I attached a query as well as my full manuscript. I am sure you will find it a page turner.

    What would you do if you were hit by a train? Or found yourself screaming for help as you skin melted off before you eyes? Or even worse yet, you felt you lungs crumpling and your blood boiling as you plummeted to the earth from 5,000 feet in the air? Well that is what happened and will continue to happen to Georgie Thomas for the rest of his life unless he finds a way to stop it.

    My story is about a young man tormented by the deaths of others after he experienced a near death experience. He made a deal with the death to spare him and he foolishly agreed to any terms that would get him there. After a trip to the netherworld, Georgie discovered the only way for him to stop it is to kill death. An oxymoron, Georgie can’t even begin to fathom. College tests, girls, parties are hard enough when you are normal, but with death looming on your back it is impossible.

    Luckily, Georgie’s best friend Kevin(imagine Jason Segel, but younger) didn’t run away screaming when he found out Georgie’s secret one night. Together the two, will join forces to kill death and hopefully keep that girl eying Georgie from getting the hell out of Dodge.

    One month ago I finished writing Dreaming of Death, a paranormal fiction novel approximately 126,572 words long. I can guarantee you this book will make it onto the NY Times Bestseller list as it taps into everyone’s natural fear of death and teaches them a good lesson of conquering your fear. I can promote myself as I have 500 followers on Twitter including some celebrities. I am also willing to go on television to promote.

    I look forward to hearing from you, but please be prompt as I am seeking immediate publication.

    Life changing Writer

  16. Larry says:

    Hark, woeful wastrel,

    Amidst the bleak literary apocalypse, Hope has come riding. Rising from the slush pile like a resplendent phoenix, shimmering before you like a fever-dream induced by imbibing the frugal draught of literary dregs oozing over the desolate wasteland of contemporary American letters.

    Savor it

    Delight in the soothing, exciting aroma which washes away the tears of boredom brought on by the indolent insolence of lesser novels. Feel the caress of valorious vellum as the pages turn in your hand, a promise of worlds and experiences yet to come.

    Experience it

    Embark on a journey to ineffable ecstasy, and find characters more real than the pale shades which inhabit thine own world. Feel the colors of the rainbow, riding a unicorn across clouds spun with saccharine moonbeams.

    Consider not “Fictions of the Soul” for publication, dear agent.

    Consider the impossibility how you were somehow able to find joy without it in your life before now


    Cornelius Von Schadenfreude the Third

  17. Amanda Dykes says:

    Dear Lucky One,

    It’s the last remaining idea. It’s never been done before.

    Think about it. All the plots out there are overdone. I’m offering you the chance to break out of a giant rut.

    What the world needs is a hero who has no quirks, no plights, no personality to shut out those who can’t relate. Worthy Agent, I put it to you: what more could you ask for? Answer, if you will, after you have had the honor of meeting the hero of this revolutionary novel, THE END OF ALL FICTION (alternately titled THE END-ALL of FICTION):

    Joe walked. He wasn’t limping, because he wasn’t hurt. He also wasn’t whistling- because he was not the sort of guy to go around acting in unconventional ways that set him apart from all the other guys to make the heroine of the novel fall in love with him. He wasn’t whistling, and he definitely wasn’t NOT whistling on purpose because, hey, that might be unconventional to some other type of girl who would become the heroine, and then where would we be?

    Yes, most honorable agent. THEN, where would we be. Hmmm.

    And where will the world be in a year’s time without this novel in its hands? A great responsibility lies on your shoulders, and I invite you to be the one to break this brilliance forth upon the universe.

    I am,
    In all humility,
    The Best Writer Ever

    (you can forfeit my entry, too. I just wanted to join the fun! :) )

  18. Judy Gann says:

    Rachel, these are priceless! How will you ever select a winner?

  19. Lee says:

    Attention book agents of America!

    Don’t miss your chance to make big bucks–my block-buster novel is ready for its adoring public. It’ll be the best read of the century. This is the opportunity of a lifetime–don’t let it slip through your fingers (you’ll be forever sorry)!

    The manuscript’s up on ebay. LET THE BIDDING WAR BEGIN!!!

  20. Ryan LaForge says:

    To Whoever’s in Charge Over There,

    You have until noon to confirm you are representing my new speculative fiction-slash-medieval cookbook– a second person, future progressive tense, 345123-and-a-half-word (spoiler alert, MC dies at the end in mid-word, hence the half word) masterpiece, FIFTY-ONE SHADES OF GREY.

    We all know 2nd person, future progressive is the new thing. All readers want to read a whole book like, “You will be doing this… you will be doing that…” for a breezy 1,123 pages.

    What reader would pick up FIFTY SHADES, when FIFTY-ONE is available. Common sense, dude.

    My writing credits include a misdemeanor charge for bad checks that should be expunged before press time.


  21. Elissa says:

    To the smartest agent in the world (bcc)

    Tired of all the crappy books everyone’s writing? Here’s your chance to represent a real blockbuster. This book has everyhting. Hollywood will fall over themselves bidding on it. I think Tom Cruise or Denzel Washington will be the lead.

    It’s got action. And thrills. Sex. Money. He gets betrayed but revenge is a dish best served cold. Your heart will be warmed until you cry. Nobody knows what it’s like inside, but now they’ll find out.

    Attached is the full manuscript. Call me after 5pm (my boss doesn’t like personal calls at work).

  22. Lisa says:

    Dear Agent,

    A girl is coming of age. She’s a graffiti artist of endangered species. She’s in a love triangle. I haven’t hammered out all the details. Maybe it will be a love quadrilateral? (You help with that stuff right?)

    I estimate the book will be anywhere from 20,000 to 80,000 words. Genrha: Love.

    Oh, yah I’ve been writing since I was 11. I completed a story entitled Shampoo Opera. (You know like a soap opera, but not.) I can send that to you too. I”ve got SOOOOO many ideas for books. Your gunna be amazed. LOL.

    I know we’ll talk soon!
    Lis (that’s what everyone calls me.)

  23. Lisa says:

    You are a talented bunch of people. I loved reading each one.

  24. Rachel Kent says:

    Oh my goodness! These are amazing!

    Thanks for participating. :) Keep ’em coming. I am going to have a very hard time picking the best worst query.

  25. Brandi Lynch says:

    Dear RK,

    You totally have to read my book, The Nursemaid’s Caretaker. It’s the best luv story ever! I wrote it in a weak, and it came out perfect, so you don’t have to spend abunch of time editing and stuff.I’ve even got good reviews! Mom said it was great, and the letters I’ve gotten from the fifty publishers I sent it to have been nice, even if my boook wasn’t right for them. I bett if you sent it to them, they’ll change their minds!

    So i’ll just sit here and wait for you to call me because I know you’ll totally luv it.

    Talk to you soon!

    Epica Faille

  26. Dear Agent lady,
    I am writing to ask you to take a look at a surefire bestselling book idea. I finished writing it last month and I could not wait to send it out to get published. I can already to ee my name on the cover.

    My English teacher always said I was pretty decent at grammar and I let my sister-in-law read it too. She told me that it is really good, so I feel it is ready to be looked at by an agent.

    I wasn’t going to go with an agent first but someone told me I should and you were the first one I saw online so I thought why not.

    I hope when I tell you about my fantastic book in this letter that you and your publishers will want to snatch it up right away.

    Of course, I have a few self-publishing companies already interested in publishing, so I have a back-up plan. But I really wanted you to have a chance to represent it.

    With all the popularity of Jane Austen, you know with all those movies made from the books and I saw something in the news recently about a 200th anniversary of her Pride and Prejudice book.

    Anyway, my book takes that time period of her books and puts it in a setting that I am an expert about. I live in Louisiana by some swamps and I thought it would be a unique idea to write a Regency novel about a young woman working on an alligator farm with her parents and four sisters.

    They are not poor but almost poor. Then, there is this guy that buys a big plantation house up the river from them and he has a snobby friend, who just wants to go back to New Orleans and its fancy houses by the river.

    Anyway…to make a long story short, because my writing time is too valuable to go into too much detail, the snobby guy ends up falling in love with the alligator farm girl and after some conflict between their families and an alligator attack, they put aside their differences and get married and live on another alligator farm.

    Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you the name of the book. It’s called “Pride and Alligators.”

    I hope you can answer back fairly quick to me because I might just have to go with one of those self publishers and I don’t want you to miss the once in a lifetime chance to get my book.

    Thanks so much.

    • So I kind of got carried away…and I loved every second of it! lol :) Great contest, Rachel!

    • I was snorting out loud, Morgan, “Pride and Alligators”!?! All I can see in my head is Colin Firth dressed in posh clothes wrestling an alligator. And we thought Wickham was bad?

    • Elaine Faber says:

      Dear Morgan:
      I kinda’ like your concept because alligators and swamp girls are pretty hot and here at the OVER THE TOP publishers on quality recycled paper, no less, anything to do with alligators,is, well, geez! And cats. Does your story have a cat? Add a cat and we’ll talk. PUBLISHER – OVER THE TOP, etc

      • Dear OVER THE TOP editor,

        I am so glad you are interested because that agent I queried. Oh what was her name, oh yeah it’s Reagan Kent, did not get back in touch with me in a timely manner. But I did warn to her that I had other options, so it is most definitely her loss.

        Anyways, you are going to love my book and yes, there is actually a cat in it but tragically the animal gets eaten by a gator in chapter 5 1/2, so it obviously only has a minor role but just let me know when you want me to send the 59,345 1/2 word book and we will talk about the zillion dollar contract I expect to acquire this groundbreaking piece of make believe because like i said before it will be the fastest selling book ever.

        Gator Girl

    • Larry says:

      “….falling in love with the alligator farm girl.”

      Until it is revealed in the sequel that he’s really a alligator she accidentally flushed down the toilet years ago, and has been biding his time for vengeance… :)

  27. Lori says:

    I actually would read this one if it was real.

  28. Wendy Heuvel says:

    Dear Rachelle Gent,

    I have been writing since I was eight. I’m really good at it! All my friensd say so! God gave me the great gift of writing and told me to contact you about my latest boo. It’s going to be the next Harry Potter – you know, the one by JK Tolkein?
    It’s about a girl who finds out she’s a wizard! Except wizards are boys, so she’s really a girl wizard – but not a witch because the bible says their bad.
    I’m not finished the whole book yet, but I have printed out the first half of the first chpater and have just mailed it to you. You’ll see it right away because I printed it on pink paper and put perfume on it! And I sent you a chocolate bar as a gift too!
    I’ll e-mail you and call you every day until you read it. I can’t wait to work wtih you!

  29. Heidi Timmons says:

    Dear Sir or Madam:

    I know you do not handle my genre, but you need to make an exception. Please visit this website to find out about book, bio, etc. I have cc’d 100 other agents with this email. No exclusive submissions.


    Bad Querier

    *** This contest is fun & the other entries are so creative! Thanks Rachel :)

  30. Cheryl Dale says:

    I am submitting my novel about a literary agent who had this bad query contest and it was so funny that writers could not stop reading it and all of a sudden the manuscripts stopped coming to agents and publishers because writers were spending all their time reading the bad queries and making no progress whatsoever on their novels. The literary agent gets banned by the writing world but then she publishes all of the bad queries submitted and it is a best seller.

    Call me – I think this one is a winner.

  31. Lisa says:

    Dear agent,

    Hi! Remember me? I queereed you earlier today.
    I thought you would call me, (not maybe.)

    I forgot to tell you I’m really up on the tech scene.

    So I took the initiativ to help you announce me as a new client.

    CLICK TO TWEET signed a new client today #awesome #bestsella

    Here’s my headshot to pin.


  32. Ashley Mays says:

    Dear Books and Suck Agency,

    I have read many of your books and believe my submision is perfect for you as you publish romance novels. My boyfriend says I am very romantic and stuff so I am qualifyed for this position.

    You will find inclosed my first copy of “TITLE REDACTED”. It is 459 pages long, but I can edit it to if you want. Please excuse the notebook paper and purple crayon. I am not allowed on the computer. Should you show interest in my work, I will hire someone to transcribe my book at my convenience.

    “TITLE REDACTED” is the kind-of-true-with-some details-changed tale of my real life romance with my boyfriend Guido. I don’t want to give away too much, but it involved handcuffs and some flash grenades. Readers of “50 Shades of Gray”, “Harry Potter”, and “the Bible” will all love the love story of me and Guido. It is going to be a bestseller. My cellmate has read it and couldn’t put it down!

    Please call me with your acceptance quick. I have applied for a stay of execution, but the governor and I aren’t on great terms. Please.

    Handcuffs and flash grenades,
    Mountain View Unit
    Gatesville, TX

  33. Leigh Goff says:

    Dear fairy god agent:

    You are gonna love SHADES, WIZARDS, & FORKS, my YA urban fantasy, paranormal, romance, erotica, magical realizm novel. I am providing you with the full 250,000 word manuscript for this next big money maker. According to my mom’s book club; they think it’s the best novel they have EVER read. (Your welcome.)

    When Harry Gray 1st encounters the otherworldly beauty of Bella Swanface, he is surprised and totally into the fact that she likes to be bitten. What he doesn’t realize is that she thinks it will make her a youthful forever. As their relationship heats up in the bedroom, danger looms. A group of black and misty creatures are on the way to their super cozy, although slightly drafty, English castle. As the creatures suck the happiness from their relationship, Harry escapes the castle, flys all the way to Forks and discovers a patronus hidden their by his future-seeing sister. He returns to the castle, wards the creatures off, and conjures up a magical anti-aging cream for Bella. They live happily ever after (natch). Or do they? Stay tuned. The ending could change.

    I’m a sooper good writer. Been writing since I dropped out of high school and I can’t wait to hear back from you. I have my cellphone on so I don’t miss your offer of representation. I will be sitting here waiting. But if you don’t call, I will change the title of my book and continue to resubmit this query to you for the rest of your life or until you need magical anti-aging cream like Bella. So please hurry up and call.

    Your needy and new best friend,

    Kitty Kat Kardash

  34. Kimberly Rae says:

    Dear Editor/Publisher/To Whom It May Concern,
    I am your new bestselling author! My book is so cool. All my friends say it should be published. It’s about a girl who is going through a hard time, and she learns to be brave through a fantastic plot and some romance too with a guy she originally hates.
    I hope you won’t want to edit the book, because God gave it to me and so the words are His, not mine.
    It’s longer than your requirements, but I know you’ll love it so much, you’ll want to take it anyway.
    My credintials are that I wrote a poem in high school that I read to the student body, and once I wrote a complaint to a newspaper that got printed. But I get on Facebook every day to share my political opinions and argue with people of other beliefs.
    I’ll be waiting for your glowing reply on how much you love my book!
    Your new favorite author,
    Kimberly Rae

  35. Hey Rach,
    Jen here. Have I got a book for you! In fact, in a dream last night, God specifically told me to send it to you today, at this time, and you would read it and instantly sign me up. I wrote all the info for you as to who will buy it and when.

    Let me know when you want it…anyway, my story, the allegorical thesis of the life of a fresh water shrimp compares to book like Animal Farm and Watership Down. I compare Lylah, an acrobatic shrimp, to the Proverbs 31 woman, complete with hand drawn illustrations! I attached the full manuscript which is only 449 pages long and specifically marked the best parts in bold red font!

    I will be by the phone at 6 pm on Friday which is when God told me I’d hear from you!

    Humbly yours,

  36. Tari Faris says:

    Dear agent,

    You should be thanking your lucky stars about now because I am going to give you the opertunety to reprezent my work of literari jeanusness.

    I rote a romance that is 250,000 words called Girl falls in love and she loves Jesus too.

    It starts with a woman who needs love and end the end finds it. It is full of plot twists like obsticals and problems. The guy is likeable adn hot. He also has issues and problems. But end the end they find love and Jesus.

    I know youwill love it because my grandma dose.

    I have been writing for over two months on this project. In my spare time I also like to take long walks on the beach, climb mountains, scrapbook, knit, photography, horsbackriding, camping, jazercise, zumba, crostich, watch TV, and brush my hair.

    I know we will have more than just an agent writer relationship. We will be best friends. I look forward to talking to you on the fone everyday.

    Your future best author and best friend,


    PS. You can find my contact info in the return address on the envelope.

  37. Dear Editor:

    First of all, I’d like to apologize for not addressing you by name, like all the best how-to books say to do, But I simply couldn’t find a masthead with a current editor on it and I don’t get long distance on my cell phone so I couldn’t call and ask.

    Moving right along, I thought you should know that I’m an avid reader of your Publishing Peekanese blogs and I have a book that I think you should take considerable interest in. Why? First of all, it has Peekanese in it, clearly not a coincidence as such a coincidences are just too close to actually be one.

    Furthermore, I’m an avid blogger and contribute considerably to my own small business blog, slasher-scratch-basher-crack window cleaning after my moderately successful part-time window cleaning business. I imagine It would be rabidly successful if I put as much energy into it as I have this wonderful book I’ve been pouring my heart and soul into. It’s titled View To A Spill, approximately 9,674 words and is a cross between a peekanese poochy love story, and the aggravations of a wall street power broker that cares for them at the expense of her own romantic life. But the peekanese come up with a plan to bring romance into their care-takers life. Being a well-read author, I can assure you that this book should be in its own genre. I’ve been a mover and shaker my whole life, and I don’t imagine professional book authoring should be any different.

    I receive all advances via paypal, and prefer that we communicate via email. Again, I don’t get long distance on my cell phone, so if you call me I can’t very well call you back!

    Kind regards,
    Rouillie Wilkerson,
    Author of View-To-A-Spill
    Sole Proprietor of scratch-basher-crack window cleaning

  38. Paula says:

    Dear Sirs,
    How much percent are u going to want of my book? I read u arent suppossed to ask for money till the book gets sold, so that sounds good, cause I’m broke all the time now. I got this great story from my boyfriend, hes really inocennt but when he gets out and comes home with me were going to write it together. I cant say what its about yet till u sign a contrack so u dont steal it.

  39. Denise Hisey says:

    Dear Agent Green,
    My book is gonna be the reason yu retir rich. Its a romanse betwen a man in prisin for murdering his gerlfrend and his new penpal gerlfrend.
    She herd his storee in the news and fell in luv immmeditly becuz he was such a handsum bad boy. She writ him a letter write away to the jail and boy howdy did he git excited to have a new gerlfrend on the outside. They right lots of letterz back n ferth and she even goes to see him a few times. she is pretty dern sneakee on how she gits stuff snuck in their.
    Well bye now you git the idea that this is gonna be the bestseller yu bin waitin fer huh?
    Im gonna surely be happy to here from yu real soon.
    Yers truly,
    Waitin on yu

  40. Josh says:


    I wrote a book almost like the one I read. Took me two weeks to do, I mean I slaved over this thing. It’s wicked smart, though. It’s a comedy/thriller/horror/literary fictional novel. It’s got it all, man, I’m talkin’ a werewolf, some vampires, a nest of drug-dealin’ witches. I even put a alien invasion in there, dude, right at the end. They come out of nowhere, man! Genius!

    It’s good stuff, better’n any of that junk out there now. It’s like when I watch a movie made from a book, I’m like, this sucks. You, too, right? Where’d all the good books go that can be made into movies? Right here, that’s where. It’s in your inbox, yo. You represent me, I’ll make you rich with this one. I’m doin’ you a favor here so hit me back quick.

    Your Main Man Bob, yo. I’m out.

  41. Dear agents et al.,

    I want to introduce you to the next best seller, “Little Liar”. This is about a boy who gets into a lot of trouble and tries to lie his way out of it. His adventures are hilarious. It is so good, that I don’t want to take any chances of someone copywriting my idea. So to see it, contact me by the end of the day. Trust me, you will be sorry if you miss out on this one!

    Waiting for your reply,


  42. Mindy says:

    Dear Agent Person,

    My mother was pounding on my bedroom door this afternoon telling me to get out of bed and do something more productive with my life, so I’m writing to you because I really hope you can help me out with this. I wrote a fan fiction novella about a boy band when I was sixteen, and was thinking that if I change some names, add 13,000 words on the pressures of being immensely famous, and introduce a new character who Johnny Depp could totally play in the big-screen adaption, it could be a best seller. Or we could just skip the whole novel thing and arrange in to proper screen-play formatting. What do you think?

    Oh, yeah, I posted the story on the internet after I first wrote it, and it had something like 200 hits in a year, and a couple of girls wrote to tell me that I was better than some really famous published authors (who I don’t want to name because that’s not cool, you know?)

    Please help me out. I can hear my mom coming down the stairs again, and I’d like to tell her that I have an agent so I can actually sleep past 2:00p.m. tomorrow.


  43. Stephanie McCarthy says:

    Dear Agent,

    I’ve got this totally killer book.

    Call me ASAP.

    Septimus Blue

  44. My fition novel is the best all my friends say!!!! You will weep when you read the book God told me to write. It starts off with a widget that takes over the computer of this guy who wants to runs the world. This best seller will be a best seller as soon as you fix the first seventy pages. Please contact me quick bc my grandmother needs surgery and I heard agents have all contacts. Hurry I queried like twenty of you and I think my favorite agent (not you) is about to contact me.
    Signing out!

  45. Dear Agent,

    My book will be about the American Revolution. It will be sweeping and epic and will teach kids about honesty and patriotism. It will sell a lot of books because it should be required reading in all the high school English classes. If you think about how many high school there are in the country and multiply that by how many kids are in each school, you will see that this is a guaranteed best seller.

    Once I’m well-known we can do several books a year…or however many you can flesh out for me. I have outlines for several including a Civil War book that teaches that slavery is wrong and an anti-Hitler World War II book. I will warn you though, I will not permit any of these ideas to be stolen. If I see you representing any novels with Revolutionary, Civil War or WWII settings, I will seek litigation against you for violating my copyright. (Notice the small symbol at the bottom of this proposal.)

    I don’t check email often so call me. I’m anxious for you to start working on this monumental project.

    R. L. Jennings (I’m really a woman, but boys don’t read books by women, so please only refer to me by my initials…except for the phone call. I might forget who R. L. is and accidentally hang-up on you.)

    *Bowing out of the contest, although I can’t wait to read Liz’s book.

  46. Dear Mr or Mrs or Miss Editor.

    You are so lucky that I’ve chosen you to publish my book. It’s about a vampire from a dystopian world in outer space who time-travellls to live in an Amish community in America. That’s all you need to know. Obviously it will be a best sellar and I’m willing to share some of the profits with you.

  47. patrice says:

    Dear Mr. or Mrs. Kent,
    I know that my vast experience on my high school newspaper will entice you to read my manuscript. My mama and all of her frends say that it is truly amazing. One even used the word Uniqke!I want to make sure you receive it yourself, so I have sent a copy to your office and your home. It’s amazing what you can find on the internet these days! As you can tell, I specialize in reeserch.
    I have a thirty thousand word gem that tells an exciting story of a big house in Englind. It shows the interaction between the rich folks and the servants. It’s not quite finished yet becaze the new season isn’t out, so my reeserch isn’t done. Minor thing! Right? I haven’t got a name for it yet, so you can just refer to it as the new bestseller.
    I know you guys are very busy, so I will call you next week. If I can’t get you, I will just keep calling. You don’t have to worry about getting in touch with me. As soon as I get paid at the Minimart, I will by a ticket to come to your office.
    Typpy Riter

    p.s. I hope you can get a big advance on this!

  48. Bonnie Doran says:

    Bad query: Well? Do you want it or not?

  49. patrice says:

    On the serious side, my family is reading over my shoulder and we are all just about rolling on the floor. This is SO FUNNY!Thanks for the laughs.

  50. Rachel Kent says:

    Holy cow! It’s going to take me a while to judge these tonight. :) So fun though. If there are questions mixed in here, I will try to find them all while I’m doing the judging.

    Enjoying this!
    Love, Rachel

  51. These are so funny. I have no idea how you’ll pick a winner.

    I’ve written some pretty lame queries myself, unintentionally. I cringe when I think of them.

    So I can’t help entering in when I get the chance to write one on purpose:

    Dear Ms. Kent,

    Do you care about what people think of Jesus? I sure do. So I written a young adult picture book entitled, “Jesus in the Pancake: the Savior Needs no Syrup”………………

    This story is complete a 4,567 words. I have attached brigtly coloured pictures that I painted myself and that will appeal to all young adults, even if they hate Jesus. They are the ones who most need the love of the Savior.

    This story is based on the true story of the day my great-grandmother saw the face of Jesus looking up at her from the pancake her mother had made.

    This story changed my life and I am now a missionarey toa remote tribe in a jungle in Brazil, but I am able to use the INternet to market electronically once a month when I get into the Internet cafe in the city, and I can still do book tours in the US because I come home on furlough every five years, and with Jesus as my marketer who can stand against me, so I can only say that Jesus is fighting for me–only he’s as sweet as a lamb (which is why he needs no syrup, ’cause he so sweet already)–and he markets valiantly, so there is no doubt in my mind that this book will change the lives of many.

    Thanks Ms. Kent. I look forward to hearing from you the next time I make it to the Internet cafe.

    Your friend,


    • Cheryl Dale says:

      The title is hysterical!

    • haha!! great job! Jesus in a pancake…no theology concept perhaps?

    • Lynn Johnston says:

      Dear Ratchell Kint or whoever this concerns,

      I am excited to shared the good news abot my first book called, “Not Much.” It is a historical-Christian chick-flick science fiction novel. Depending on your computer, it could be anywhere between 170 and 212 pages.

      A nice lady meets a man in a bar that is secretly attracted to her mother. They enter into a hot romance until lady finds her mother in bed with the man. She moves to the historical town of Savannah and converts to a nun. Then she discovers that the man is a vampire and now she must use religion to save her mother…once she finally forgives the cougar mom.

      I have lots of experience writing great books according to my mom and my BFF. If you are interested, give me a call. I just got my phone service turned back on. Remember this is a best seller and you will need to call me at once. If I don’t hear from you I will call you in a couple of days to make sure you ready to do business. Btw, I got your name from a google search and heard you are a good agent.

      My manuscript is not yet completed cuz I am waiting to find an agent first.


      Crazy Writer

    • Happy says:

      Oh my gosh. This query made my whole day!

    • LOL! Love, love, love!

    • Larry says:

      Great title, Sally!

      But now I want some delicious bacon pancakes! But hey, isn’t that what all writers want, for their readers to feel something (even the craving for delicious pancakes) after reading their work? :)

    • jane g meyer says:

      That query was a small taste of genius!

  52. Stacy Voss says:

    Dear Rachelle Kent of Wordserve litarary,

    I wrote me a great book that I know you’s just dying’ to red. It’s about a Amush woman who turns into a vampire than into a ghost to hant her ex-husband.

    I tried countin’ the words, but the dog started barking at a squirrle and I lost my place. It’s big like a real-life novel. I jus knows youre gonna love it.

    i put it in the mail allready. Im sure you’ll know its myne when you see pink glitter on it. Plz dont mind the dog drool on it.


    (Ouch–that was incredibly painful!!!)

  53. Kathryn says:

    Dear Mr. or Lady Agent:
    I am sending this email to every agent listed in teh book, so you’d better jump on it fast before its gone. I’ve written a major motion picture screenplay. It’s gone to sell more books than the Bible and make me more famous than Jesus Christ, so I know I’ll need a literary agent to find me a ghost writer to write the book and all it’s sequels for me. High concept baby! I also need an editor and a copywriter to expand my treatment into a full-length screenplay, but that should be easy for someone like you to arrange.
    The movie is Jack Reacher meets Downton Abbey meets Twilight meets those elves from the Hobbit meets a bunch of chick lit writers in long dresses, with a Beethoven or Mozart (some old guys in wigs or something) soundtrack, along with a bunch of stuff about drugs and I think traffic violations, with aliens (from space and the South of the Border kind. My movie is called A Hard Day to Dye the Ring Before Breaking the Bad Dawn of Northanger 51 in 61 Hours in the Kingdom of the Crystal Meth. We need to jump on this fast before any of the stars I’ve picked out get any older or O.D. (you know who you I’m talking about, bet you partied with them back in the day, ha-ha) as the movie is going to be timeless! Serious money, honey, freakin’ serious cashola!
    You just have to sign and notarize the enclosed release before I give you my treatment (can never be too careful, this idea is GOLDEN and I don’t want any hack writers getting their grubby mitts on it and stealing all my hard work. I went on a three day jet-fueled bender {you know ;0) ] to get all this done, and those are precious hours I’m never getting back.
    As a sign of your serious intent and commitment to my art, please also send me a check for $50,000 as a retainer so you can become my agent. Once it clears, the treatment and Hollywood RIches are yours. Oh, also send me your Fedex account number so you can pay for me to overnight my hand-written treatment to you. It’ s on alot of wet cocktail napkins, and you know how wait adds up. I can’t pay for anything myself, as I have to save up for plastic surgery so I can get a bunch of implants and teeth and stuff and get my deviated septum fixed for all my red carpet and talk show appearances. You might want to forward a copy of this to Oprah too (all you media people know each other am I right?) so she can clear her schedule for a two day special on me, like Lance but without all of his short cuts)).
    If my check does not arrive within forty-eight hours, I’ll just show up at your house to collect it. I noticed you always take the same route home from the office; you better not do that when you’re carrying a copy of my future screenplay as I’d hate for any kind of freak accident to happen to you.
    P.S> Send me some bubbly while yo9u’re at it, only the good stuff,—-…don’t be cheap with your cash cow: so we can toast my success and you’re lucky day!

    A. S. Talker
    copyright and trademark and patent and all worldwide rights reserved by A.S. Talker, Inc., 2013 and for all time

  54. Heidi Gaul says:

    Dear Raychul-
    My book is almost perfect, and will be a joy for all readers. It is in the style of The Notebook, but holier. Not more holes, I mean, Christian. Well, the book isn’t Christian, I am. I have written and been printed i n a FEW things and intend to continue. It has 90 thousand words, but I can shorten or lenghten it if you want.If I don’t hear from you ASAP, I will have to allow another agent a look-see. Love- Heidi

  55. To whom it may concern.
    Dear sir,

    I recently finished my first fiction novel about a guy who saves the town by shooting folks. It’s part Harry Potter and part Shades of Grey. Let’s hope it matches their sales, right? LOL I showed it to my pastor and he said it was good enough to publish. My mother gave me the same response. It’s 135 pages on Word, but I can make it bigger if you need. Do I need to pay you anything? If so, let me know and I’ll set up a payment plan. Oh, while you’re reading this, I wrote another book too. It’s about a woman who stands by her man. I wrote it before but now I think I may throw it in as well.

    Let me know if you need any more information. You can call me on my cell. The number is 555-LOST. Don’t miss your chance to make millions. Call now!

  56. Josh Kelley says:

    To whom it may conernc,

    God told me to write a book abotu the ecils of the Xtian publishg indstry.

    If you refuse to sell my book you will be disobey God.

    APostle Josh Kelley

  57. Dear Mr. Kent,

    I’m sure you’ve read a lot of books, but not one like mine! If I can just get it out into the world, I know it will become a best-seller, and I’ll be a world-famous author! My family thinks it’s the best thing they’ve everread, and I owe all of my inspira ation to them.

    So, whatever you’re working on now, take time out to read my work before someone snathes it up! i can’t wait too long for you, so hurry!

    With regards,
    Ima Writer

  58. Okay. I’ll throw in my hat!

    Dear Mr/Ms. Kent,

    I’m not an expert or anything, but I’ve thought a lot about writing a book about why people write books. There are just so many books out there, and I often wonder what makes people want to write so much. I know I can’t be the only one who asks that question. You’re an agent, so you must ask all the time: “Why is this person writing a book?”

    My book is called “Why You Write” and it’s complete at approximately 139,000 words. Since it’s about fictional literature, I’m categorizing it in the Literary Fiction genre, since I know the LitFic genre covers a wide variety of books. And since I’m just making up some of the reasons I’m listing for why people write fiction, it technically IS fiction.

    “Why You Write” begins back in Bible times. I explain why Jesus wrote in the sand, then why all those people wrote the Bible. Then there’s a short jump to why the Americans wrote the Declaration of Independence with all it’s rules & rights & such (I used “& such” here because I’ve researched you and I know how much you and the other agents at Books “& Such” like that phrase). Then I explain why Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote “Little House on the Prairie,” and a few other books, and why Stephanie Meyer wrote “The Hunger Games.” I bring this story of why people write all the way into current times by explaining why Stephen Hawking wrote “A Brief History of Time.”

    In fact, I often compare “Why You Write” to “A Brief History of Time,” because it generates a lot of interest. This is part of my marketing plan. I’m also trying to get Mr. Hawking to endorse my book for me. I’ll let you know as soon as I receive his response.

    In short, I believe you hold in your hands a book that will both minister AND entertain. It will minister by helping readers to understand writers, and it will help writers figure out WHY they feel so compelled to write. It will entertain because some of the funny reasons I added to give this book comedic elements.

    “Why You Write” is a feel-good, inspiring tale of fiction…about fiction!

    I’m so excited about “Why You Write” and I can’t wait to share it with you!


  59. Hi, Rachel!

    Remember me! We meet in the bathroom a few years ago at a conference. I was the one who slid my manuscript under the stall door. You know, the story about Joe Plummer who fell in love with the woman whose house he was called to fix a leaky faucet.

    Anyway, I wasn’t sure how much you were able to read of my ms, but I’m attaching the file for your conveince. (Or is that convenience?)

    I’m now on Twitter. Working on my platform as Michael Hyatt said to do. I’ve got 100 followers so that should sweetin’ the deal for you.

    Thanks again for your time and I look forward to signing that contract!

    Tanya Eavenson

  60. Elaine Faber says:

    Dear Ms. Rachel Welch:
    Are you any relationsion to that hot movie star? ha ha.
    Since I won the 3rd grade spelling be and a composition contest in 7th grade, that why I’m qualified tobe a writer and giveing you the honor to be my first queery letter.
    My book is about these two fat middle age ladies who go on vacation and get into all kinds of trouble. Kind of a mystery romance janrah, and therefore,lots of middle age fat women will read this kind of book, so that’s how I know it would be well- received all around the world.
    Your publish company was reccommended to me by my good friend, Lize Snodwittle, (my referral) who wrote you a queery letter last year. You sent her a nice letter but you didn’t publish her book. So I know you are a reputuble agency what wouldn’t do anything wrong.
    My novel is 47,567 words long, up to page 102. I haven’t counted any further yet. Are you suppose to count “a” as a word the same as “zillionaire,” which is what one of my heroines is?
    My book takes place at Saint Lucus Morturary and Day Spa . “We fix your hair – coming and going”..that’s our motto, and the setting for my novel Im ready to quit my job and be a fulltime writer if you think i have a good idea. Sincerely, Elaine Faber

  61. I didn’t see a single canine query letter in that whole batch.

    I guess that means only one thing.

    Us dogs really know how to query as well as fetch tennis balls.

  62. Sarah Sundin says:

    Not entering…just playing…

    Dear Kent Rachel,

    I think it is SO cool that you’re named after Superman, even though my book isn’t about superheroes. It’s a children’s book about Scottish zombies, because zombies are hot and guys in kilts are super hot. And I think little kids need to be exposed to the real world because the world is, like, real.

    I noticed your website says you don’t do children’s books or paranormal, but I know you’ll make an exception for me. I read some of the books you publish – the warden thinks they’re a good influence on us – but the books are really stupid, so I know you’ll be glad to read something way better!

    Great news! You won’t need to hire an editer because I got an A in 10th grade English (we won’t talk about 11th grade) and I can do all the drawings myself because I’m a reall good drawer.

    The book isn’t complete yet because the warden only lets me use the computer half hour a day. Not cool, right? But I’ll be out of the slammer in a month, just in time for my national book tour and interview on Good Morning America!

    See you then!

  63. Liz Johnson says:

    Oh, my word! Y’all are so funny! Your queries are a hoot. Rachel, I don’t know how you’re going to pick a winner with so many great entries.

  64. Shawn Kuhn says:

    My book was almost perfect until some editor ruined it. Please send me your fed ex account number so I can send you my manuscript, the good one not the ruined one. I am hoping to be published before my unemployment runs out. Give this your immediate attention or I will take it to Chip Macgregor.
    Ima Des Parate
    P.S. Do you represent any real authors?

  65. Jenna C. says:

    Dear Literary Agent,
    I have just written the worlds next bestselling novel that I am sure will be the topic of the coming year. I pretty sure you will totally into this book. It is like the best! Of course, as I just said, it will be the best next best selling novel.
    Anyway, the book is still in the writing process, but hey, it’s almost done. I’ve been working on it for several months, but I’m bound to finish it in a few weeks. Hopefully by March 31. But, of course, I have attached for you what is already written.
    The book is about several people who were on the Titanic, and they like get to meet each other and stuff. And a few of them fall in love with each other and so on. And then the tragic happens! They all get stranded in the middle of the Atlantic! Yeah, it’s really thrilling, I just can’t wait for it to be out there and you know, people will just love it!
    Anyway, you can check out my blog and please follow me on twitter, I would just love it if you would. I’m really into social networking and stuff.
    But yeah, hope to hear from you soon!

    The next bestseller,

  66. Shannon Brown says:

    Dear Ms. Kent (or another agent if you’re too busy right now),

    I’ve written a book and hope you like it. My family’s read it and they all say it’s so good that any agent or editor would be a fool to pass it up. I can tell by your photo that you’re no fool.

    All the books say I have to tell you about my book. I want to be careful though not to say too much or someone might steal the plot. It’s that good. It’s the story of a lovely lady with three girls who meets a man with three boys of his own. Now that might seem vaguely familiar but I don’t think you’ve ever read anything like it. It breaks new ground!!! It’s a cross between Leave it to Beaver and Big Bang Theory. I’ve named it The Big Bunch (and I really don’t want anyone messing with that name.) Anyone between the ages of 14 and 60 would like it. (I think you’ve got the picture now :)

    I never wanted to be a writer. No one wants to relive taking 10th grade English, right? Then one day I was reading the back of the cereal box while eating breakfast and it popped into my head, the whole plot for the book. Things don’t usually pop into my head. Two months later, here I am with 58 pages of awesomeness.

    I know you’re going to want to be part of this project. I’ll be expecting your call next Monday so we can discuss all the details.

    Shannon Brown

  67. Sue Harrison says:

    Thank you to all for a great afternoon of laughs. I needed a smile today!

  68. To whom it may concern:

    Here is my 800 page manuscript.
    I’m sure that it will be a winner.
    I hammered it out in my little spare time
    Between laundry loads and cooking dinner.

    It tells of a girl in the prime of her life,
    Whose tragedy tears at your heart.
    Her sad little life is almost destroyed
    When her castle of dreams falls apart.

    This may sound vague to a pro such as you,
    But trust me it gets even better.
    I’ve added a car chase with alien men
    who’ve abducted a trained Irish setter.

    I won’t spoil the ending by telling you more,
    but I will say I’ve made sure it’s happy.
    You can fax me the contract, or better yet,
    Skip that part and just send me money.

    Hugs and kisses,


    P.S. I realize that last stanza doesn’t rhyme, but I’m sure you’ll understand I needed to take some artistic license in order to get the business part in.

    P.S. My mom loved it.

    P.S. I’ll call you at the end of the week.

    P.S. I’ve already got the best cover for it. You’ll love it!

  69. Lynn Johnston says:

    Dear agent or whom this may concerns,

    I have a great book called, “Harry Breaks Wind”. It is a cross between Harry Potter and Gone with the Wind. Its about a southern witch that falls in love with a northern warlock. Its a science-romantic-historical chick lit mystery.

    I have had much expereinse texting…sometimes while driving…that I qualify to write this book. It is great! You will be lucky to represent me. Just ask my family, they will tell you how well I use to write in elementary school and I once got an A. Guess how it ends?

    Don’t know word count, I lost count after 693 words. But it took me a full week to write if that tells you anything. Please call me at my boyfriend’s number 555-1234 and let me know how much money you are sending. If I don’t hear back from you in 2 weeks I will send this letter to another agent and you will miss out.
    Please, Please, Please call me.



  70. Nicole Lemoine says:

    Dear Agents Name goes here,

    i am a very talented and dedicated writer and I have chosen U to be my agent. Although i should let u know in advance that i am also querying my 2nd,3rd, and 4th choices so you do have a fair amount of competition :). LOL

    My novella begins in the middle of the civil war era, it is rife with all the turmoil and trauma of a wartime love affair. My plot is a surprise…so sorry i wont be sharing any of it ahead of time, my manuscript will delight you plenty, should u decide to request it u will not regret it!!! My first novel was birthed with much enthusiasm and heart. i know that i have what it takes to walk alongside such authors as Stephanie Meyer, J.K. Rowling and Leo Tolstoy. i don’t have an exact word count yet as i continually rework my masterpiece.
    My novel will appeal to everyone, there is a surprise for all ages within my novel. i can see it now playing out on the big screen with Kate Winslet starring in the lead role….. i will be sitting by the phone awaiting ur call, bye for now.

    P.S. after all word count has no bearing on the quality of my obvious talent, lol…

    P.S.S. U should also know that I studied English in colledge :0

    Sincerely urs,
    N.Fabienne Lemoine

  71. Michelle Prince Morgan says:

    Dear Sweet Mr and Mrs Kent,
    I have enclosed a copy of my manual scrpt. I just know ya’ll will love it to peices, I do. My book is a christian love muder myestery. The main chartcher Morgan fell in love with the pastor of her church so she hired someone to murder his wife. There are about 169416 word in it. It is a great book, so when do you want me to come sign the contract. We can do lunch and have some sweet tea. Now on to the important stuff how much are you going to pay me? Sincerly Michlle BFF

  72. Michelle Gardner says:

    Dear Sir or Current Literary Agent:

    I have just about finished my book but I’m not going to send it to anyone yet because they might steal my idea and make the millions that are meant for me. I mean, it’s my idea, right?

    Anyway, it’s about this guy who does a bunch of stuff while searching for something and a lot of things – good and bad – happen to him along the way. I think Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper or another famous Brad would be great in the movie version that will be made from this book.

    I’ve never written a book before but my buddies at work say I’ve got some pretty good stories. This could be a classic like that one written by Harper Collins, “To Kill…er, some kind of bird. I don’t remember.

    Word count is unimportant right now. I can always add more stuff if you need it, but I don’t think you will.

    This is gonna be great for some agency and you would be crazy not to pick me up as your next bestseller.

    You should call me soon so we can both start making lots of money, right?


    Rob Knott

  73. Laura Moe says:

    Dear Rachelle Kennedy,
    This is your lucky day! I am sending you the best book you will ever read. It has BeSTSELLER written all over it.i sued to work in a bookstore, so I know my way around a Bestseller.

    Okay, the story starts in the near future, where they make teenagers fight to the death until there are only two left: one male, one female. Kind of like Hunger Games meets Matched, except I could change the society into vampires if that would help sell the book. Or zombies. Or both.

    The event happens every year in spring, and the kids chosen are the most fertile in the country. You know, maybe I should re think that. If I kill off all the fertile kids, the population will go down. Okay. I can change them to middle aged people who already have kids. No, middle aged people aren’t sexy, ad they?

    Okay, what about…., cyborgs are used to burn all the paper copies of books because the government, or amazon, whoever is more powerful, wants everyone to read e books.. In any case, my book will address technology because it is the wave of the future.

    The book is going to be a series of at least ten books because I need to make a lot of money so I can buy a house with a pool. So far I have two chapters. Do you want to see them?
    Sincerely ,
    Laura Moe

  74. I loved reading each and every one of these! I’m cracking up so much I had to set my coffee down!

    These are the best comments EVER!

  75. David Todd says:

    Dear Sir or Madam:

    I’m beginning to get desperate, and a friend told me that you help struggling authors find a publisher. So I checked you out and I like what I see. I think you can help me.

    My book is a memoir of my remarkable life. Titled THERE AND BACK AGAIN, it shows in how many ways my life parallels what Tolkeen wrote about in THE LORD OF THE RINGS. With so many people I have played the roll of Gandalf, providing wisdom, guidance, and a little bit of magic to help them solve their problems and become better people in this mixed-up world that is so much like Middle Earth.

    The book is written, and I even edited it twice. It’s somewhere around half the length of TLOTR trilogy, so very publishable. It should find an audience to all Tolkeen fans. All six people I showed it to have loved the premise and say it will be a huge hit. I’d also want you to handle the movie writes.

    Please respond soon. I’m not sure I can survive a long wait. I have the means to end it all if you turn me down.

    with great thanks,
    John Ronald Reuel

  76. Thank you for the belly laughs everyone. These queries are priceless.

  77. ej christy says:

    Dear Rachel Kentucky,

    I sewarched your websight high and low to see if you accept or reject poetry, and although you don’t specificaly list poetry as one of your generations, YOu don’t specifically deny it, either, so I’m going to take a shot an d trust that You’ll give me a chance.

    I know there’s been a recent hullaboo about the possibility that poetry is, indeed, dead again, but I’m here to prove that’s just wrong. I’m attached for your convience my novel in lyric, narrative poem, “I Hear the Mermaids Warbling.” The “story” begins with the whishing and whirring of an ice cream machine that’s a metaphor for a mermaid’s death in teh Black Sea. Grabs the reader at once.

    Since I
    m attaching the file, I don’t need to describe this gem any more. I’m certain you’ll find reading my book as fascinating as I found writing it. I discuvered in the process that’s I’m a quite teh genus.

    Please contact me as soon as possible. Since I kno you’re busier than stink, I don’t mind calling or emailing or even visiting hourly. I’m just that kind of wonderful.

    And so is my book.

    Sincerely Yours,
    Petunia Porterly

    ps – just a taste of my gift

    Lush slushing moments
    in green glossy glass
    the foam on ocean, trivial,
    oh so trivial, in moments,
    yes moments, and more moments,
    of ghastly seaweed

  78. ej christy says:

    By the way, thank you ALL for the laughs. I am, indeed, writing a book of poems. For my thesis. God help me. A dear friend (Laura Moe), who actually deserves to find an agent, insisted I take a break and come here to read your brilliant letters. Thank you, thank you!!! I so needed this tonight. I feel human now.

    • I’m glad that you took Laura’s advice, ej.

      Blessings as you work on your thesis!

    • Larry says:

      I second Christine!

      Also, it is good that you’re writing poems. It seems that nowadays there aren’t poetry readers, or actual poets, but mere poetry curators .

      Keep up the good work!

      • ej christy says:

        Ah. You’re all lovely. I’m really quite nuts to be focusing on poetry. At least I’ll have a “terminal” degree when I’m finished, so I’ll be able to teach college. Composition. I don’t know whether to fear the students or expect the students to fear me.

        I’m laughing again tonight as I read more of these letters.

      • Laura Moe says:

        And she is an awesome poet. Poetry is Not dead…in fact, I see tremendous interest in poetry in my school.

  79. Emily says:

    Not entering, just posting for fun. :-)

    Dear Ms. Ken,
    I’ve written a book that will be heartwarming to everyone who reads it, and you too. It’s about these two cousins, and when they’re 17 and 12 ½ they find out that one of them was adopted into the cousinship. Before that, they were twins. So really, they aren’t 17 and 12 ½ (they’re 14, but they don’t look it). So anyway, they have lots of emotional issues from thinking they were different ages and stuff, and from finding out that their cousinship wasn’t real or anything. But by the end of the story, they’ve both found true love, so it’s okay, because their boyfriends love them whether their cousins or sisters or 12 or whatever. So it’s very inspirational because it’s a love story.
    I hope you will read my book and be so moved by the truth it presents that you’ll decide to represent it.

    Cincerely me.

    P.S. Oh, and there’s also a huge surprise at the end of the book (around word 2541 out of 8332). You’ll have to read it to find out, but there’s this mystery character who comes in, and her name is Ms. Ken, just like yours! You’ll be mind blown!

  80. Dear Rachel,

    Buckle your seat belt because your world is about to rock, rock, rock! I’m the next Tom Clancey. Seriously, my book will be a best-seller and sell millions of copies. You will be able to retire off the money it will make and never have to work again.

    “The Duck Always Quacks” totals 458,234 words and it starts out with my main character Burt Gastibto eating a slice of pepperoni pizza (the pizza is significent). Things really pick up after the fifth chapter when Tommy (Tommy is a girl vintriloquist and his boss’s wife’s cousin) tells him that the pizza he ate was the only hope of saving the world. How can a pizza save the world? And how will the save the world now that Burt has eaten it? Well, you’ll have to read the book to find out!

    I know you just dying to read it, so I’ve gone ahead and attached the first several chapters (so you can see where things really pick up in chater five). I’ll call you if you don’t call me first. That sweet receptionist at your agency and she said she would make sure you received my fruit basket along with my query and sample chapters. I just know we’re going to be best friends. :-)


    Gwen Gage

  81. These 218 comments brightened my day! :) Thanks for being awesome everyone!

  82. My mother said I should send you my book. Its about a woman who gets her ass stuck in a doggie door but that’s the leest of her problems. She left her old boyfriend at the alter and now he’s the police cheef so she can’t go to him for help when some guy tryed to sell her into human slavery. Then she gets a dog, but he poops on her. Then her mom is kidnapped and she has to save her. Then she does and then the book ends. I no u will like my book because I’ve ben writing my hole stupid life and now I’m going to let you publish it. please send my chek to….

  83. Hi Rahcel! Wassup!

    i like wrote this book and so im like looking 4 an agent 2 represent me. My book is the best thing since white sliced bread & i know u will like it.

    So what’s it about? well, if i tole u that, it would ruin the surprise, wouldn’t it. So ive attached a copy to this email. i had told u abt it on FB but u never got back to me. What’s up with that?

    Please consider being my agent because like everybody else ive written to has rejected me. i mean ur like the FIFTH l.a. ive sent my book too.

    As i said, its an awesome book cause ive worked real hard on it, so check it out, ok? my freinds all think it showed be published. BTW its written for teenagers which i understand u represent.

    Ok, so that’s it. Its up 2 u now. Enjoy reading my book which is called Music of Dragons and text me abt what u think!


    Chrstine Domran.



    This blog was great fun. Thank you so much for it!


  84. These entries deserve applause, standing ovations, and awards for their grasp of how NOT to write a “queery.” I’m smiling as I write, having just recovered from hilarity!

  85. Linda Strawn says:

    To sirs, mams, anyone who is concerned:
    MOVE OVER VAMPIRES, ZOMBIES, WEREWOLVES. ITS TIME TO FOR A REAL BREAKOUT NOVEL. yes, i’m in the process of writing a novel that will leeve thoose dark, scary stories in the dust. It’s time to see the light, people! PEOPLE KNEAD TO GET REAL. Lettuce read about reel folks. PPL like Honey Boo Boo and her family. Ya know, reel down home ppl. And THE DUDES WHO GRAB CATFISH OUT OF HOSE IN MUDDY RIVERS, AND WRESTLE ALIGATORS, AND GIT POSSUMS OUT OF PPLS ATTICS. they are the ones I moddle my characters out of. I BRING REALLITY TO THE PUBLISHING WORLD. REEDERS NEED MY BOOKS.
    Thank you very much…

  86. Rachel Kent says:

    I’m going to close the contest now. You are welcome to post a bad query, but it won’t be eligible for the prize.

    I am trying to pick one of these, but I love so many! I’ll announce the winner as soon as possible. Thanks again for the fun day!

  87. Darby Kern says:

    I got this book. My mom thinks it could get published. I think you’ll like it too.

    Stephen King

  88. Scott says:

    Dear Agent,

    I know you probably won’t read this, but your the one missing out if you dont.

    I wrote a fiction novel based on something my uncle did when he was young. It’s really funny and means alot to my family. I’d tell you more about it but I don’t want to give away the punchline so you’ll just have to trust me and read and then you’ll see that’s why I attached it to this email. Ha ha! It’s so funny.

    I know this will be a best seller because it’s better than everything at the bookstore and my mom love’s it and says its her favorite book she ever read and she reads alot, like about seven or 8 books a year. My uncle’s dead but I know he’d love it too and so will you if you actually read it. I’m attaching a picture of my uncle so you’ll can see what a great guy he was when he wasn’t dead.

    So don’t be stupid and miss out on the chance of a number 1 best selling fiction novel based on real life. Its going to make us both a fortune for sure. I’m sending this to 20 agents all at once so you’ll have to fight over it if you all want it which I know you will because its so funny.


  89. Rachel Kent says:

    Thanks for your patience with me as I selected a winner. The response to this blog was much greater than I imagined it would be so judging took longer as well.

    I LOVE so many of these, but I’m going to go with Elaine Faber’s as the best worst query!
    This paragraph made me laugh so hard and I’m still laughing as I type this:

    “My book is about these two fat middle age ladies who go on vacation and get into all kinds of trouble. Kind of a mystery romance janrah, and therefore,lots of middle age fat women will read this kind of book, so that’s how I know it would be well- received all around the world.”

    Talk about a BROAD audience. Lol.

    Congratulations, Elaine! I’m going to try to locate your email address now to contact you directly, but if you see this first please email me your mailing address. rachel @ booksandsuch. com. (remove spaces)

    To the rest of you, I honestly wish I could let you all win! I am so thankful for your bad queries. They made my day!!!

  90. Rachel,

    I’m sorry. I also meant to say in the above post THANK YOU so much for your generous offer to read the winner’s real query. It’s an invaluable gift.

  91. Ken K. Chartrand says:

    Hi friend! I am a middle aged , married man, who has recently released a self published book printed for me by POD publisher, FriesenPress of Victoria B.C.
    It can be seen at What I need an agent for is to help me sell the film rights to my werewolf novel,”The Lupine Effect” Thanks for reading this. If you can help in this regard or advise, I would be very appreciative.